Page 11 - Got a joke? Post it!

Non Scottish fitba fans can ignore these!

OXO are bringing out a new Green and White hoop cube.....they're calling it "The Laughing Stock"

What have Strachan and the Titanic in common?
Neither should have left Southampton.

Similar note:

There's a rumour that after their current sponsorship deal expires, Celtic have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

So this lady walks into a drugstore and goes up to the pharmacist. "I need some cyanide," she says.

"What in the world do you need cyanide for?" the pharmacist asks.

"I want to kill my Husband."

"You can't do that. You'll go to jail and so will I for giving you the poison."

"Well," she said, handing him a picture of her husband in bed with his wife, "look at this."

"Ah, of course. Come this way, please. You should have said you had a prescription."

cheers,

gary

The Beer Prayer #1
-------------------

Our Lager, which art in barrels,
hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drank.... I will be drunk,
at home as I am in bar rooms.

Give us this day our foamy head
and forgive us our spillages
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to the local police station,
but deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the barstool and the bartender.
Forever and ever.
Barmen

The Beer Prayer #2
-------------------

Our Brewer, Who art in Newlands
Hallowed be thy beer

Thy castle come, Thy Lion will be drunken
at home As it is in shebeens

Give us this day our daily dop
And forgive us for drinking
Coke and Fanta
As we forgive those who drink
Tea and Coffee

Lead us not into soberness
But deliver us to the nearest
Bottlestore
For we are the Drinkers
The Drunkards and the Alcoholics
Forever and ever
Amstel


HOMER SIMPSON'S "DO RE MI BEER"
----------------------------------

Dough, the stuff that buys me beer,
Ray, the guy who sells me beer,
Me, the guy who's drinking beer,
Far, a long way to go for beer,
So, I'll have another beer,
La, I'll have another beer,
Tea, no thanks, I'm having beer....
that will bring us back to....... D'oh


BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART
-------------------------------------

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her
house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

What do Hungarian zombies eat?




Ghoulash!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said,
'OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.'

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'

The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish.'

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing"... know how to make them truly happy. .'

The genie said,
'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather horny looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a schmoootiful chicky babe would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I boned on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of America."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk. I talked to him yesterday.


--------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. Agathe's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way...don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

On TWA flight some time ago, a man was awoken by a beautiful stewardess

Stewardess: "Would you like some of our TWA coffee"

I can't remember exactly what he said, except it had something to do with Tea

^^ I don't get it... it sux to ask, but please explain...

@bdreyer: TWA tea