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  #166  
Old August 7th, 2005, 07:37 PM
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mike65535 mike65535 is offline
um, Hello?
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Is it OK to kiss a nun?

Yes, but you can't get into the habit.
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"America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to "the common good," but by the productive genius
of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not
starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages and
cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance --
and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way."
--Ayn Rand

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  #167  
Old August 7th, 2005, 08:31 PM
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KidR KidR is offline
protected static $geek = 'Me'
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Ok, here's my favourite:

Microsoft J#
Comments on this post
ChiefWigs1982 disagrees!
gimp agrees!
irisblaze agrees: A better joke would be someone using it

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  #168  
Old August 8th, 2005, 03:28 AM
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bainser bainser is offline
Give us a kiss
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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they got back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." And then asked "Can he see?" "
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision"
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be fu*ked if he needed glasses.
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  #169  
Old August 8th, 2005, 09:01 AM
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gimp gimp is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KidR
Ok, here's my favourite:

Microsoft J#
...What?
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A work in progress: Card Game Platform (Status: Hard Drive Crash deleted project, rewrite planned) | Joke Thread
Rational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was
its finest fruit.

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  #170  
Old August 8th, 2005, 09:43 AM
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cybersaga cybersaga is offline
I have a red lunch bag
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gimp
...What?
As in, it's a joke.

Here's another along the same lines that a school mate came up with.

C#: The speed of Java with the portability of Visual Basic.
Comments on this post
LinuxPenguin agrees: Hah, and dont forget multithreading too, they might run slow as hell but theyre still
threads....honest...
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  • There is no room for pride when trying to be the best at what you do.
  • Friends don't let friends use bad code.
The club is dead.

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  #171  
Old August 8th, 2005, 09:47 AM
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Yegg` Yegg` is offline
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C++: Your mom's like a struct. She's got no class!

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  #172  
Old August 8th, 2005, 11:15 AM
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Kokoro Kokoro is offline
long time no see :)
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Here's one I made personally:

If kids keep listening to rap, and talking like they do today, in 60 years, old people will be totally different:

"Tell me about grandma, granpda!"
"You're grandmother was a wonderful women... I loved that hoe."

Part of a stand-up act type thing I'm writing about rap.
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  #173  
Old August 8th, 2005, 11:42 AM
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aitken325i aitken325i is offline
At a NO MA'AM meeting . . . .
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Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.

The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.

The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.

And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends? ...............
Comments on this post
crownjewel82 agrees: ROFLMAO
LinuxPenguin agrees: LMAO
JohnnyC agrees: LOL--Best friend, boyfriend, same difference, I 'spose.
Aragon agrees: That was hilarious
ryjyd agrees: too funny
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The No Ma'am commandments:

1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
2.) It is wrong to be French
3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
6.) Everyone should car pool but me
7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
9.) Mud wrestling is a sport

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  #174  
Old August 8th, 2005, 09:13 PM
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Guelphdad Guelphdad is offline
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Mr. Murphy owned a wee hardware store in Dublin, sold all kinds of nuts, bolts, nails etc. He'd been watching the telly and thought he'd get one of them adverts to help sales in his shop.

So he rang up an agency and they told him his new advert would be ready on telly on the 20th.

SO on the 20th, Mr. Murphy, Mrs. Murphy and their 15 little children (on account of them being Catholic and all) sat in front of the telly to watch the advert.

It opened with a panned shot of a very big field. As the camera zooms in you can see a mound. On top of the mound is post. As the camera closes in on the post you can see a picture of Christ nailed to the post.

A caption pops up "Use Murphy's nails, they'll hold up damned near everything!"

Murphy is livid and is on the phone with the agency right away:

"Wha' kinda filth is that you've put on there? This here's Oireland, most Catholic place on the face o' the earth next to Italy. You canan be puttin' somet'in like that on the telly!"

The ad agent is very sympathetic and says they'll have a new advert on the telly the very next day.

So the next day, Mr. Murphy, Mrs. Murphy and thier 16 children (on account of them being Catholic and all) are sitting in front of the telly.

Well wouldn't ya know it but here was that damned field again. But this time there is a guy, in long flowing white robe, beard, long hair blowing in the wind, running for all he is worth.

He keeps glancing over his shoulder.

The camera pans left and you can see two Centurian Guards running after him huffing and puffing.

One of them stops and grabs the other by the tunic ...

"See", he says, "I told you we should have used Murphy's nails!"



-----------

Mrs. O'Malley is walking to the shops one day and she bumps into Father O'Flaherty.

Father O'Flaherty thinks a minute and says "aren't you Mrs. O'Malley?"

"Aye father", she replies.

"And didn't I marry you and your husband a couple of years ago?", he asks.

"Aye, that you did father."

"Have you any wee ones yet Mrs. O'Malley?"

"Not yet father, but we're trying our best"

"Well Mrs. O'Malley, I'm off to Rome this week. I'll light a candle for you and your husband."

About 15 years pass and the two bump into one another again.

"Oh, Mrs. O'Malley, how's that family of yours coming along?", O'Flaherty asks.

"Fine, fine, father", she replies wearily, "one 14, twins aged 12, one 8, one 6, triplets age 4, and another on the way this year".

"Oh wonderful news, and Mr. O'Malley, what's he up to?"

"OH he's off to Rome father, to blow out your fookin' candle and all!"
Comments on this post
busmaster agrees: too funny
gimp agrees!
cybersaga agrees: Here's the 7 gimp meant to give you.
medianox agrees!

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  #175  
Old August 9th, 2005, 02:58 AM
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bainser bainser is offline
Give us a kiss
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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Comments on this post
busmaster agrees: ha ha ha

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  #176  
Old August 9th, 2005, 04:10 AM
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aitken325i aitken325i is offline
At a NO MA'AM meeting . . . .
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