Page 12 - Got a joke? Post it!

Is it OK to kiss a nun?

Yes, but you can't get into the habit.

Ok, here's my favourite:

Microsoft J#

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they got back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." And then asked "Can he see?" "
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision"
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be fu*ked if he needed glasses.

...What?

As in, it's a joke.

Here's another along the same lines that a school mate came up with.

C#: The speed of Java with the portability of Visual Basic.

C++: Your mom's like a struct. She's got no class!

Here's one I made personally:

If kids keep listening to rap, and talking like they do today, in 60 years, old people will be totally different:

"Tell me about grandma, granpda!"
"You're grandmother was a wonderful women... I loved that hoe."

Part of a stand-up act type thing I'm writing about rap.

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.

The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.

The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.

And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends? ...............

Mr. Murphy owned a wee hardware store in Dublin, sold all kinds of nuts, bolts, nails etc. He'd been watching the telly and thought he'd get one of them adverts to help sales in his shop.

So he rang up an agency and they told him his new advert would be ready on telly on the 20th.

SO on the 20th, Mr. Murphy, Mrs. Murphy and their 15 little children (on account of them being Catholic and all) sat in front of the telly to watch the advert.

It opened with a panned shot of a very big field. As the camera zooms in you can see a mound. On top of the mound is post. As the camera closes in on the post you can see a picture of Christ nailed to the post.

A caption pops up "Use Murphy's nails, they'll hold up damned near everything!"

Murphy is livid and is on the phone with the agency right away:

"Wha' kinda filth is that you've put on there? This here's Oireland, most Catholic place on the face o' the earth next to Italy. You canan be puttin' somet'in like that on the telly!"

The ad agent is very sympathetic and says they'll have a new advert on the telly the very next day.

So the next day, Mr. Murphy, Mrs. Murphy and thier 16 children (on account of them being Catholic and all) are sitting in front of the telly.

Well wouldn't ya know it but here was that damned field again. But this time there is a guy, in long flowing white robe, beard, long hair blowing in the wind, running for all he is worth.

He keeps glancing over his shoulder.

The camera pans left and you can see two Centurian Guards running after him huffing and puffing.

One of them stops and grabs the other by the tunic ...

"See", he says, "I told you we should have used Murphy's nails!"



-----------

Mrs. O'Malley is walking to the shops one day and she bumps into Father O'Flaherty.

Father O'Flaherty thinks a minute and says "aren't you Mrs. O'Malley?"

"Aye father", she replies.

"And didn't I marry you and your husband a couple of years ago?", he asks.

"Aye, that you did father."

"Have you any wee ones yet Mrs. O'Malley?"

"Not yet father, but we're trying our best"

"Well Mrs. O'Malley, I'm off to Rome this week. I'll light a candle for you and your husband."

About 15 years pass and the two bump into one another again.

"Oh, Mrs. O'Malley, how's that family of yours coming along?", O'Flaherty asks.

"Fine, fine, father", she replies wearily, "one 14, twins aged 12, one 8, one 6, triplets age 4, and another on the way this year".

"Oh wonderful news, and Mr. O'Malley, what's he up to?"

"OH he's off to Rome father, to blow out your fookin' candle and all!"

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Ok - this one is quite bad, but it just made me laugh !!! :

Two Mexicans are wandering aimlessly in the desert, close to death, close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

Said it was bad didn't I !!!!!!

[EDIT]Apologies if this has been posted before[/EDIT]

wasnt this posted already ? ham bush ?

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.

He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!

"What happened!" screamed the nurse.

"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

Sorry, Guelphdad, I meant to give you 7 but my finger slipped