Page 192 - Got a joke? Post it!

Bad Taste Warning, if you're easily offended, don't bother
What happened when Helen Keller fell over the cliff?
*she screamed her hands off*
What did she say when she fell down the well
*nothing, she had her mittens on*

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

"Didn't you say sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"?

Ole said, "vell, I had just got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highway ven dis huge semitruck ran da stop sign and smacked into my truck right in da side. I vas trone into vun ditch and Bessie she vas trone into da udder. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vont to move. But, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape yust by her groans."

"Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he vent over to her."

"After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between da eyes."

"Den da Patrolman he came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now, if you vas me, vut da hell vould YOU say?"

A man had interview in a rail company.

The interviewer said, everything seems fine, sir. Let me ask you last question. If you give right answer, you will get the job.

How many railway crossings do we have in the city? he asked.

The man knew that this guy is refusing candidates simply on this question. So he had visited all the railway crossings of the city.

He confidently replied, 5 Male and 2 Female.

The interviewer was shocked. First of all, no one could answer this question. And this guy knows there are 7 railway crossings in the city. But WTH is Male and Female?

He surprisingly ask him, what do mean by Male and Female?

The guy replied, Sir, those crossings which open in side from the middle called Female, and those which open straight up are male!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.I'll be right back.' 'Ok,' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

(From the Dilbert Newletter 68.0.)

Here are some true tales of people who put the duh in induhvidual.

"Locally we have a grocery chain called Bi-Lo. We were sitting around the office one day talking about living on farms and drinking milk from the cows. One girl said she wouldn't drink milk from a cow, only milk from Bi-Lo. The stunned silence was deafening."

"We were given our yearly evaluations and handed our objectives for the upcoming year: "Everyone must exceed the Team Average in sales dollars." My boss explained that this was not a case of exceeding a previous average; all ten of us were expected to be above whatever our current average was."

"My business partner and his wife were traveling out west and decided to visit Hoover Dam. As they neared this great engineering feat she noticed all the power lines extending from the dam and commented to him, 'Gee, I never would have guessed it takes so much power to run a dam.'"

Dams do consume, it's about net yield ... but she could'a been Sacrastic, but I can't find Sarcasta on the map, me, I think she was bluffing, but she knew where the 'good' biscuits were

From "Sava's Place"

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, I will give you $800 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: Who was that?

It was Bob the next door neighbor, she replies.

Great! the husband says, Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

Taoist - Clothing happens.
Buddhist - Clothing happening is an illusion.
Hindu - This clothing has happened before.
Mormon - This clothing will happen again.
Moonies - Only happy clothing really happens.
Moslem - It is the will of Allah that clothing happens.
Zen - What is the sound of clothing happening?

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.