Page 193 - Got a joke? Post it!

I feel the need to make a contribution to this thread, so sorry if any of these have been posted before...

A man is driving his bird down the motorway in his new sportscar. She turns to him, looking all sexy and says "If you can get the speed over 200 mph, Ill take all my clothes off". The guy gets all excited, whacks it into 6th gear and breezes through 200mph. The woman takes off all her clothes, and the man is distracted from the road by all her curvy features and crashes into a tree.

When the smoke clears, his legs are completely trapped in the mangled footwell but she is ok...
"Run for help!" Cries the man
"I cant, Im completely naked" his lady replies
"What?! Oh, well just cover urself with my shoe and go find someone down the road. Hurry!"

The woman reaches into the footwell and takes one of the guys shoes to cover herself up. She goes running down the road and after a few minutes she bumps into a guy. "Help me," she cries "my boyfriend is stuck and we cant get him free!" The guy looks down at the shoe and says "Im sorry, he's too far up there, we'll never get him out".

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An irishman, an american and a scotsman walk into a bar. They order a drink and the bartender comes over and places some prize money on the table. They stare at it and one of them asks "Wow, what have you got to do to win that?!". The barman says "well, you have to complete the line of my song and spell the missing word". They agree that it sounds easy, so the barman starts:
"Old McDonald had a...?"

"Ohhhh, I know!" shouts the Scotsman. "Its 'Old McDonald had a glen. G-L-E-N". Obviously spotting the mistake, the American interrupts and says "No I know this one - its 'Old McDonald had a ranch. R-A-N-C-H". The Irishman stands up and shouts "Hah! You bunch of idiots, everyone knows its 'Old McDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O".

*******************************************

A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "Got any bread?". The bartender says "no". The duck says "Got any bread?". The bartender, again, says "no". "So, you got any bread?". "no". "Got any bread?" "NO!". "Got any bread?!". The bartender snaps: "I dont have any f***ing bread!". "Got any bread?!". The bartender grabs the duck and says "look mate, I dont have any bread and if you ask me again Im gonna nail your beak to the s*dding bar". The duck says "Got any nails". "no" says the bartender. "So, got any bread?...."

*******************************************

A man walks into a bar with three ducks under his arm. Its pouring with rain outside. The man is soaked. He puts his ducks on the bar and says to the bartender "Would you mind looking after my ducks while I go to the bathrooms to dry myself?". "No problem" comes the reply. The bartender looks at the ducks, and jokingly says "Hi, whats your name?!". The duck looks at the bartender and says "Hi, my name is Snap".

The bartender is slightly surprised, but decides to keep it going. "How are you today then, Snap?".
"Oh Ive had a great day," Snap says "Ive been outside in the rain playing with puddles all day long, its been fantastic".
The bartender smiles and turns to the second duck "...and whats your name?" He asks. "My name is Crackle", says the duck. "How are you Crackle?". The duck replies "Oh Im feeling wonderful, Ive been in and out of puddles all day long. Brilliant!". The bartender laughs and turns to the third duck. "And you must be Pop", the bartender exclaims. The duck replies: "No, my name is not Pop, and for your information Ive had a s**t day. My name is Puddles!"

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?"
she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It is square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed
it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Then the blonde drivers says "No, I'm not a cop".

Stemwedel Index of Luddite Nature:

π = the number of releases back from the most recent release of the software you use
η = the number of years elapsed that you have been aware of the existence of a keyboard shortcut in that software but have refrained from using it
ρ = the number of redundancies you put in place in case of technological failures
μ = the subjective probability you assign to those technologies actually failing
σ = the inordinate satisfaction (in arbitrary units from 0 to 10) you take in doing by hand what could be accomplished using a computer or calculator
θ = the factor by which you judge yourself more likely to learn ancient Greek than LaTeX



http://scienceblogs.com/ethicsandsc..._of_luddite.php

The comments are especially choice.

A conversation I just had, cracked me up:

In keeping with it being an election year, the local KFC is offering a Hillary Special; two large thighs with a small breast and left wing.

cheers,

gary

No thanks. I'll have the New Orleans special, blackened redfish.

A version of this has been posted in this thread before, IIRC, but I think this version has at least one unique element.

--------------------------
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to
manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you
with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays
you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the
milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do
an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops
dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded
trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow
school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink
lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a
hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of
vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they
are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful
woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42
cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are
two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch
any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US
government to find alternatives to milk production
but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other
times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French
cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish
cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown
one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at
all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state
tell you which one you think is the best-looking
cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

OK here goes a Q.


What kind of baby you'll have if you use a GREEN condom??

Answer:

* None, a condom is condom *


(Select the text below the Answer to see the answer)