Page 196 - Got a joke? Post it!

The minister's sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and

reach out to them so as not to make enemies.

"Is there anyone in this church who can honestly say they have no enemies?"
asked the minister.

Not a hand went up. But a few moments later, a very elderly lady in the back row raised her

frail little hand.

"Please, come up and tell us what you have done over all these years that you can be so confident you have no enemies," asked the minister.

Dutifully the old woman limped up to the front of the church where she explained: "I outlived 'em all."

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of any of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.

At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I stole from a bottle shop."

"You are forgiven" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised church property" he answered.

"You are forgiven" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". The monk replied "I pissed in the holy water"!

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

OMG. I told this to my favorite blonde, who is currently dyed red. Does a raw steak really fix up a black eye?

We actually did that as a senior prank. I heard them doing it over at the high school. That's old lol. But instead of goats, they did pigs. And they numbered 3 of them. 1,2, and 5. The high school is HUMONGOUS. Took 2 days to finish looking.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!"