Page 200 - Got a joke? Post it!

That's akin to the logic in the joke told by my mum many times over the years:

Mum: I can prove I'm not here
Me: Oh?
Mum: Yes, am I in China?
Me: No
Mum: Am I in Australia?
Me: No
Mum: So if I am not there I must be somewhere else
Me: Er, yes
Mum: So if I am somewhere else I can't be here
Me: ...

From The Fail Blog--damn funny blog!

A bosun mate and a gunny sergeant were sitting on the fantail one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of coffee the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the Sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The Sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the old sarge comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Marines invented sex!'

The bosun replies, 'That is true, but it was Sailors who introduced it to the ladies.'

To verify this little fact for yourself, try this experiment at home.

Lock both your wife and your dog in the boot of your car.
Go to the pub for an hour.
When you return and let them out of the boot, see how happy the dog is to see you.

...or more a play-on-words.

¿Qué hace el pez?
¡Nada!

Okay, for the translation/explanation: ¿Qué hace el pez? means "What does the fish do?" and nada can mean either "nothing" (as a noun) or "it swims" (as the third-person singular indicative present active conjugation of nadar, "to swim").

Actually, that's nowhere nearly as amusing as when we were taught it in Spanish I come to think of it. Oh well. It's interesting, at least...somewhat.

I think the English equivalent joke would be:

¿Where does an old lady make pee?
¡Depends!

Whats does DNA stand for?
.
.
.
.
.
.

National Dyslexic Association

I had an answering machine installed on my car phone.
The message says
"Hi, I'm at home right now, but next time I'm out, I'll call you back."

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,'Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world.'

'Absolutely not,' says the rabbi.'It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately.'

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'

'No,' answered the rabbi. 'It's forbidden.'

'Well, okay,' says the man, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'

'Of course!' replies the rabbi. 'Sex is a mitzvah, a good thing within marriage, to have children!'

'What about different positions?' asks the man.

'No problem,' says the rabbi 'It's a mitzvah!'

'Woman on top?' the man asks.

'Sure,' says the rabbi. 'Go for it! It's a mitzvah!'

'Doggy style?'

'Sure! Another mitzvah!'

'On the kitchen table?'

'Yes, yes! A mitzvah!'

'Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?'

'You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!'

'Can we do it standing up?'

'No.' says the rabbi.

'Why not?' asks the man.

'Could lead to dancing' says the rabbi.

Heard this one on an IRC channel

A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.

"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"

"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."

"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"

"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."

This one has audio ... just cracked me up ...

funny call center conversation