Page 231 - Discuss Got a joke? Post it! in the Dev Shed Lounge forum on Dev Shed. Got a joke? Post it! Dev Shed Lounge forum discussing anything that doesn't fit into the other forums. This is a place to relax, talk, and even have some friendly debate. Walk softly and carry a big wiffle bat.
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Hope this one is not posted yet.
Two ladies(both unmarried) talking to each other at a marriage ceremony:
First Lady: I hate coming to the marriage ceremonies.
Second Lady: Why?
First Lady: Whenever I am at such an occasion, my grandma starts bitching me - "You Are Next"
Second Lady: Oh! The same happened to me. But she stopped ever since I started telling her "You Are Next".
First Lady(surprised): What! At the marriage ceremonies?
Second Lady: No, at the Funerals.
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If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
ABC's of ex girlfriends
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
stands for Kill.
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
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Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ***!"
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A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
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At an art museum in Europe, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean stand before a painting of Adam and Eve holding an apple in the Garden of Eden. The Englishman says: "The man has something tasty to eat and is eager to share it with the woman. Based on that, I would conclude that they're rather obviously English..." The Frenchman says: "I disagree. They're walking around entirely naked, so they must be French..." The North Korean says: "There is no doubt in my mind that they're North Korean. They have no clothes to wear, barely anything to eat, and they still think they're in heaven!"
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A French womanizer goes on vacation to a beautiful beach hotel filled with sexy single women. As he's cruising the hotel pool he spots competition - some athletic African guy. He decides that an immediate threat assessment is in order and walk up to him. They sit down beside the pool letting their legs dangle into the water.
The French guy say: "Listen - you may be 'ot stuff where you come from but we french are ze true lovers of ze world. Iffe I like a woman you better go find someone else."
The African guy is unimpressed and answers: "Oh really? And what do you think makes you so much better?"
"Very simple. I am so sensitive I can tell with just the tip of my pen** that ze water is exactly 29.7 °C."
"I concur - and 1.5 meters deep."
Not exactly a joke but if you're into movies and tv shows then there's lots of fun to be had browsing tvtropes.
- Hugh of Borg
The first thing young borg are taught: Keep away from Microsoft software!
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If there's anything I love, it's topical humor. That being said, this joke is at least 3 years out of date:
George Bush (the younger) wakes up one morning, and is being given his daily briefing over breakfast. He dismissively waves away reports of domestic issues like the stock market and various protest marches. His aide gets to foreign affairs (including armed conflicts) and Bush perks up a little, but still has no real reaction until his aide concludes with "...and three Brazilian soldiers died in an explosion last night."
Bush's face goes slack in horror, his mug hitting the table hard, splattering him with coffee. "Oh...oh my god!" he declares. With tears in his eyes he slowly turns to his most trusted advisor. "Colin," he says, "how many is in a brazillion?"
The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones
09 F9 11 02
9D 74 E3 5B
D8 41 56 C5
63 56 88 C0
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems. -- Jamie Zawinski
Detavil - the devil is in the detail, allegedly, and I use the term advisedly, allegedly ... oh, no, wait I did ... BIT COINS ANYONE