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What did one hat to say to the other hat?

You stay here. I'm going on ahead.

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Three men are sitting at a bar and talking about the last birthday present that they got for their wives.
The first one says, "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds!" The other two ask him what he got her. "I got her a Porsche. And she's never been happier in her life."

The next guy says says, "I know what you mean. I bought MY wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! -and she's on cloud nine!" "That could only be a Ferrari," the other two say.

"And what did you give your wife for her birthday?," they ask the third.

"Now, I don't want to brag, but I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 2 seconds." "No way," say the other two, "That's way faster than the Ferrari, did you get her a rocket sled?

"Nope." the other man says, I got my wife something faster. But the funny thing is that she's really not all that happy about the fact that it goes from zero to 200 in less than 2 seconds."

"Wow." one of the men said, "That's hard to believe. Do you have a picture of it?"

"Sure!!" (click the attachment)

Two pools of vomit are walking down the road, and one starts crying, "What's wrong" asked the other, "i'm really sentimental" it said, "I was brought up around here"

So three baby seals walk into a club...

Okay, on to the next joke.

Anyone got a PETA msg board url? I want to have some fun.

This guy was in the delivery room as his wife's giving birth. Once the child has been removed, they realize that the boy has no arms, no legs, and no torso--he's just a head! The guy thinks to himself, "Well, this is my son and I shall love him as though nothing was wrong."

Fast forward 21 years. The father, having raised his awkward son the best he could, is taking his son out for his first drink on his 21st birthday. They go to the bar, and his father orders two shots of whiskey. He drinks his own, then goes to help his son out. The son knocks the shot back and *foomp!*, all of a sudden, he has a torso! The father is amazed by this, as are the other patrons of the bar. The father decides to go with it, and orders another shot for his son. The other patrons start to crowd around, and softly start to chant "drink, drink." The father helps his son take the shot and *FLOOMP!*, the boy has arms. The other patrons cheer, as the father and decide to go with it. They order another shot, and the boy shoots it without ceremony, and sure enough *flump*, the boy has legs. The boy jumps up and hugs his father with his new arms and steps back. . . kind of wobbles--this being his first time drunk, and with new legs to boot. He kind of stumbles to the rights. . . kind of stumbles to the left. . . then stumbles right out the door into the street, where he's hit by a semi truck and killed on impact. The father, in shock and disbelief, sits down heavily and orders a drink. The bartender, while pouring the drink, just kind of shakes his head and says to the father, "He should've quit while he was a head."




Did you hear about the new Pirates movie?!? It's rated ARRRRR!!!



How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two--one to screw it in and one to hold the penis.

LADDER!!!! I meant ladder!




How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None--emo kids like to cry in the dark.

My supervisor printed this out for me a few weeks ago. . .



A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story."

The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, thank you. You can keep the story."

As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers, and have begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting to her, so she begins walking a bit faster. Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot tward the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe millions, and they are all squealing and coming toward her faster and faster. Now terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll bet you came back for the story, haven't you?"

"No," says the woman, "I came back to see if you have any bronze Republicans."





What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months?

An Apple turnover

I head the version where she asks for a policeman... still funny.

Programmers prayer:

Our program,

Who art in memory,

"Hello" be thy name.

Thy spreadsheets be formatted,

thy code be downloaded,

from disk

as it will be in memory.

Give us on screen

our data spreads,

and forgive us our typos,

as we forgive those who ask that we document.

Lead us not into frustration,

but deliver us from glitches.

For thine is the algorithm,

the application,

and the solution,

looping forever and ever.

Return.

An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub
and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender
hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each
of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away
and demands another pint.

The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between
his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard!
Spit it out!"

Chris

<edit>So this friend of mine </edit> checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get <edit>himself! </edit> one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card on <edit>his (of course I mean his not mine no way uh move along please!)</edit> way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figures, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says in a sexy voice.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now,how does that sound?"

She says,"That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

ROFLMAO - Is this a true story?

Outta rep, but ishnid a spectacular catch

ooops busted!

Ooops! Again!

Hmm. These ``coincidences'' are getting Freudian.