Got a joke? Post it!

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is amazing." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

ah, it probably wouldn't be smart to turn this into a political joke thread man.

So, a pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender said: "What's up with the steering wheel man?",
the pirate replied:
"argh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

"This is the cheese that the rat that the cat that the dog chased bit ate."
I think that makes sense, if you think about it.




A 60 year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"




A drunk bumps into a priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
"No, I'm Jesus Christ!"
The drunk insists, "I'll prove I'm him", follow me.
So the priest follows him into a bar.
The bartender shouts, "Jesus Christ, you're back again!"





Three men were hiking in the jungles of Africa. Before they sensed any danger, a tribe of cannibals captured them. The cannibals said they were going to kill them, eat their flesh, and use their skin to make canoes. However, the cannibals said they had a little mercy, and offered them the chance to choose any weapon of choice and kill themselves.

The first man asked for a gun. The cannibals gave it to him and he shot himself in the head.

The second man asked for a knife. The cannibals gave it to him and he stabbed himself in the heart.

The third man asked for a fork. The cannibals were confused, and asked him why. He responded by telling them that they promised to give him any weapon. The cannibals then gave him the weapon. Afterwards, the third man started poking the fork into his skin and making holes all over his body. He shouted in cynical humor:

"Damn your canoes!"





An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
6. This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.





Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She was 3 foot 4, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman." Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 foot tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Carl, you have sinned. You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman." And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm

A nice, wide selection of job-related jokes


or maybe I should just post them all individually

Did you hear the one about the canibal who dumped his girlfriend.

Think about it....

Heard about it, but still pretty funny.

Many years in the future, Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates were brought to heaven and allowed to ask God one question each, to which he promised He would answer truthfully and completely.

Linus walks up to God and asks Him, "When will Linux be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a few minutes He replies, "Linux will be completely secure and bug-free in about 10 years." When he hears this, Linus becomes disheartened. "I may not live to see that day," he says.

Steve runs up to God and asks Him, "When will Mac OS be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a few minutes He replies, "Mac OS will be completely secure and bug-free in about 20 years." When he hears this, Steve becomes very depressed. "I may not live to see that day," he says.

Bill walks up to God and asks Him, "When will Windows be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a long time God still is pondering, and Gates asks him again, "When will Windows be completely secure and bug-free?" Time passes and soon God replies, "I may not live to see that day."

^^funny.