1. Contributing User
    Devshed Regular (2000 - 2499 posts)

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    Originally Posted by busmaster
    Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation, one of them
    kept complaining of family problems.
    Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems?
    Listen to my
    situation."
    "A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
    We got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father
    married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my
    father
    became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her
    father-in-law".
    "Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son,
    This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he
    was
    also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's
    grand-son.
    That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."
    "This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the
    half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother, This
    makes my
    father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my
    father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her
    own
    child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN
    GRANDFATHER!"
    "And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"
    Actually, this seems to be a rip-off of the song "I'm my own grandpa."
  2. Give us a kiss
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    A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

    To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.

    "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

    The he hears a voice coming from the till saying "What you talking about he looks hideous, and his aftershave smells terrible. Who let him in he should be looked in the ugly house"

    By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

    "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the till is out of order."

    Comments on this post

    • ran_dizolph agrees : hah...nicely done!


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  3. 'fie' on me, allege-dly
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Yet the possibility remains that this piece could have been the inspiration for the song

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees
  4. Providing fuel for space ships
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    The Old Man In The Confessional

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

    Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
    Old Man: "What sins?"
    Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
    Old Man: "I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
    Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"
    Old Man: "Are you Kidding? I'm telling everybody."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two Men in a Pub

    Two men are sitting next to each other in a pub. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
    The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
    The first guy says, "So am I! And where about in Ireland might you be from?"
    The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
    The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
    The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
    The first guy says, "Faith it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
    The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."
    The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
    The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
    The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
    The bartender leans over to a customer and shakes his head and sighs, "It's going to be a long night tonight. The Murphy twins are drunk again!"

    Comments on this post

    • bdreyer agrees : Sounds like the Bush twins on a good night!
    • ryjyd agrees : I'm telling everybody, too... that's good stuff.
    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
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    Brony & F/OSS Advocate
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    Here are some funny ones.

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees : Nice!
    • ryjyd agrees
    • ChiefWigs1982 disagrees
    ~~ Peter ~~ :: ( Who am I? ) :: ( Peter's Musings: Uploading myself, bit by bit... ) :: ( Electronic Frontier Foundation ) :: ( I'm a GNU/Linux addict and Free Software Advocate. ) :: ( How to Ask Questions the Smart Way ) :: ( The Fedora Project, sponsored by Red Hat ) :: ( GNOME: The Free Software Desktop Project ) :: ( GnuPG Public Key ) :: ( About me on the WIki )
  6. finding balance
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    Funny... my firewall says they're not safe for work
    Ride that train of thought out all the way. See where it takes you. Then, think about if that's where you want to be.
  7. Me likey breadsticks...
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

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    This thread's too long for me to check if this was posted.

    A guy goes to a farm and he wants to get a donkey, a rooster and a hen. He asks the farmer, "Gimme a donkey" and the farmer replies, "on a farm we we call a donkey an a*s, here I'll sell you this one, but whenever he starts making this noise you gotta scratch his belly or he'll go crazy." The guy agrees and asks for a rooster. The farmer replies, "on the farm we call it a c*ck. The guy goes, "Ok gimme a c*ck." Lastly, he asks for a chicken, and the farmer replies, "on the farm we call it a pullet" so the guy goes, "ok gimme a pullet" then packs all the animals up in his truck and heads home.

    On his way home the guy hears the donkey making the noise so he pulls over to the side of the road, opens up his truck grabs the chicken and rooster, but can't scratch the donkey because his hands are full. Finally, a lady pulls over behind him and asks if he needs help and he replies, "sure, can you hold my c*ck and pullet while I bend over to scratch my a*s."
    PostgreSQL, it's what's for dinner...
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    A User Contributing
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    Originally Posted by ryjyd
    Funny... my firewall says they're not safe for work
    It's alright, you didn't miss much, nothing of importance
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  9. Automagically Delicious
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    So this guy walkes into a really big important interview with a potiential employer. They sit down and being the interview. Not long into the interview the employer notieces that the man is winking at him constantly. The employer is a little distraught by this and thinking that the man might be hinting at something, asks the man why he is winking. The man apologizes and informs him that it's simply a physical disorder and he can never tell when he's doing but the winking stops if he takes some asprin. So the man puts his hand in his pocket and begins to fish out the contents one at a time. First he takes out a roll of tums, then he takes out 8 packages of condoms, one after the other before he finally gets to a small tin box of asprin. The employer is aghast at the contents of his pocket and asks why he needs so many condoms. The man simply tell him "You try asking a pharmacist for asprin with a winking problem!"

    Comments on this post

    • t3j45 agrees : ROFL!!
    Adam TT
  10. Give us a kiss
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    After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

    "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

    "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

    "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

    "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

    "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

    The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    Chief: "Governor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

    Cop: "I think it's God!"

    Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

    Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

    Comments on this post

    • bcyde agrees : Haha nice
    • busmaster agrees : rofl...


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  11. um, Hello?
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    The 90-year-old man


    A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

    The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of the rifle. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang"..... AND THE BEAVER FELL DEAD!!! What do you think of that?"

    The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

    The doctor said, "My point exactly."

    Comments on this post

    • kuroSAVVAS agrees : awsome!!!
    "America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to "the common good," but by the productive genius
    of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not
    starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages and
    cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance --
    and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way."
    --Ayn Rand
  12. long time no see :)
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    The last entry in Abraham Lincoln's Diary:

    "My wife's been nagging me to take her out to the theatre all evening, so I guess I have too.

    That women will be the death of me."
    Last edited by Kokoro; July 29th, 2005 at 07:50 PM.
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  13. Contributing User
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    Programmers prayer


    Programmers prayer:
    Our program, Who art in memory,
    "Hello" be thy name. Thy spreadsheets be formatted,
    thy code be downloaded, from disk as it will be in memory.

    Give us on screen our data spreads,
    and forgive us our typos,
    as we forgive those who ask that we document.
    Lead us not into frustration,
    but deliver us from glitches.
    For thine is the algorithm, the application,
    and the solution, looping forever and ever.
    Return.

    Comments on this post

    • Kokoro disagrees : Already posted: http://forums.devshed.com/showpost.php?p=1177523&postcount=58
  14. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Knock, Knock!
    Who's there?
    Under the Patriot Act, we don't have to tell you.
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
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  15. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
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    Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

    St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

    "Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

    "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.

    "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

    "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

    "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

    "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

    "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

    "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

    "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

    "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."













    As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school.

    They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable.

    It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

    He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.

    The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"

    "Well, they're smart pills."

    "Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

    "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit st*ff!!"

    "See, you're getting smarter already."
    Last edited by gimp; August 1st, 2005 at 09:07 PM.
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents

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