1. Give us a kiss
    Devshed Intermediate (1500 - 1999 posts)

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    Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt very guilty about it. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betayal was overwhelming but, every once in a while he'd hear this reassuring voice say "c'mon Dave don't worry about it you aren't the first and certainly won't be the last doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you're single, just let it go man."

    But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality "Dave you sick bastard, you're a vet"


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  2. Contributing User
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    employee: Hi Boss, I won't be in today, I'm sick.
    boss:I saw you out last night, there was nothing wrong with except you drank too much, how sick can you be?
    employee:I'm in bed with my sister ...

    Comments on this post

    • sizablegrin agrees : ...and all rednecks know that if you divorce your wife, she's STILL your sister....
    --Ax
    without exception, there is no rule ...
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    Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
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    Detavil - the devil is in the detail, allegedly, and I use the term advisedly, allegedly ... oh, no, wait I did ...
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  3. His name is Robert Paulson!
    Devshed Frequenter (2500 - 2999 posts)

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    Not really a joke per se, but very, very, funny, as the Family Guy usually is...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Bv4-KGH4x8
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  4. Contributing User
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Got this in the mail today
    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to Take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

    I Politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell ?"

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

    After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt'next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'C*nt'calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,"Hi,this is John Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"


    One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

    I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"

    Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

    "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

    "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"

    "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

    "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"

    "Yes?"

    "Steve, you're a C*nt!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.

    Hello." "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)

    "Are you still there?" he asked.

    "Yeah," I said.

    "Stop calling me," he screamed.

    "Make me," I said.

    "Who are you?" he asked.

    "My name is Steve Hansen."

    "Yeah? Where do you live?"

    "I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."

    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.

    Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.

    "Hello, C*nt," I said.

    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll do what?" I said.

    "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

    I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford .

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

    NOW I feel much better.

    Anger management really works...

    Comments on this post

    • ElijaTheGold agrees : LOL LOL LOL
    • LinuxPenguin agrees : ROFLMMFAO
    • kk5st agrees : Aw sh*t, I hurt something. :D
    • displeaser agrees
    • codergeek42 agrees : OMFGROFLMAOBBQZ!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111
    • sourinsen agrees : Awesome
    Last edited by Axweildr; October 20th, 2006 at 12:53 PM.
    --Ax
    without exception, there is no rule ...
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    The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones


    09 F9 11 02
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    Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
    -- Jamie Zawinski
    Detavil - the devil is in the detail, allegedly, and I use the term advisedly, allegedly ... oh, no, wait I did ...
    BIT COINS ANYONE
  5. No Profile Picture
    Procrastination Destination
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    ^^^^ I want SO badly to believe this is a true story, I really do. That would be fantastic! Freakin Hilarious

    -FL4WL3SS
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    Procrastination Destination
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    A little kid walks into the kitchen and sees his mom preparing dinner, the mom says 'what do you need Billy?' as Billy replies 'I want some ice cream!' the mother sternly says 'Dinner is almost ready, you can not have ice cream. Why don't you go outside and play?' sadly Billy says 'But, I don't have anyone to play with!' the mother says 'Ok Billy, I'll play with you, what do you want to play?' Billy says 'I want to play mommy and daddy!' eager to entertain her son the mother says 'Ok, what do I do?' so Billy says 'Go into your room and lay down' So the mother walks into her bedroom and lays on the bed. Billy, meanwhile, walks into the garage and puts on his father's boots and hat, then grabs a cigar off the table as he walks into his mother's bedroom. The mother gingerly asks 'So what do I do now Billy?' to which the boy replies 'Get your *** out of bed you stupid ***** and fix the kid some damn ice cream!'

    -FL4WL3SS
  7. fork while true;
    Devshed God 1st Plane (5500 - 5999 posts)

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    Originally Posted by FL4WL3SS
    ^^^^ I want SO badly to believe this is a true story, I really do. That would be fantastic! Freakin Hilarious

    -FL4WL3SS
    If you don't mind doing the time, you could make it true.
  8. No Profile Picture
    rebel with a cause
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    That would make an awsome Law & Order episode.

    Comments on this post

    • kk5st agrees : Wouldn't it, though? Criminal Intent?
    Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.
  9. המבין יבין
    Devshed Regular (2000 - 2499 posts)

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    Originally Posted by ishnid
    At that, e^x burst into floods of tears: "It wouldn't make any difference".
    I don't see how e^x could derive anything from that advice!

    Besides, we all know that e^x could never be a complete zero.

    And I always thought that e^x was always positive!
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  10. I fail at spelling
    Devshed Loyal (3000 - 3499 posts)

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    Originally Posted by dotancohen
    I don't see how e^x could derive anything from that advice!

    Besides, we all know that e^x could never be a complete zero.

    And I always thought that e^x was always positive!
    All this math makes my head hurt.
    I am working now with Symfony2, Twig, Doctrine, Composer, Assetic, and HTML5. Enjoying doing what I do everyday!
  11. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Originally Posted by chadsmith729
    All this math makes my head hurt.
    That's math !? I thought it was spelling mistakes !
    The No Ma'am commandments:

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    2.) It is wrong to be French
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    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
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  12. I fail at spelling
    Devshed Loyal (3000 - 3499 posts)

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    Originally Posted by aitken325i
    That's math !? I thought it was spelling mistakes !
    WHAT? Now there's spelling mistakes? My head hurts soo bad now. I am going to go sit in the corner and cry.
    I am working now with Symfony2, Twig, Doctrine, Composer, Assetic, and HTML5. Enjoying doing what I do everyday!
  13. fork while true;
    Devshed God 1st Plane (5500 - 5999 posts)

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    It was creative use of the caret symbol.

    No, that's about it.
  14. Contributing User
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    On the first day of football practice, the coached noticed that little Billy had a little bit of talent. So he calls to the kid and tells him to come over here."Yea coach, what is it?",The coach looks down at the young and short Billy and asks "Hey kid, do ya think you could pass a football?" Little Billy ponders for a moment and looks up at the coach and replies "Sheesh coach, I don't think I could even swallow one."
    --Ax
    without exception, there is no rule ...
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    The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones


    09 F9 11 02
    9D 74 E3 5B
    D8 41 56 C5
    63 56 88 C0
    Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
    -- Jamie Zawinski
    Detavil - the devil is in the detail, allegedly, and I use the term advisedly, allegedly ... oh, no, wait I did ...
    BIT COINS ANYONE
  15. Periodically energetic Perler
    Devshed Regular (2000 - 2499 posts)

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    The force is strong in this one master:

    Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.

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