1. Give us a kiss
    Devshed Intermediate (1500 - 1999 posts)

    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Fife, Scotland
    Posts
    1,788
    Rep Power
    656
    Non Scottish fitba fans can ignore these!

    OXO are bringing out a new Green and White hoop cube.....they're calling it "The Laughing Stock"

    What have Strachan and the Titanic in common?
    Neither should have left Southampton.

    Comments on this post

    • aitken325i agrees : Made me chuckle ! :D
    • jabba_29 agrees : oh yes ;)


    Risk Free Betting at Matched-Betting.com
  2. Retired
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Finland
    Posts
    9,143
    Rep Power
    2493
    Similar note:

    There's a rumour that after their current sponsorship deal expires, Celtic have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
    The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

    Comments on this post

    • aitken325i agrees : And so did this one !! :D

    Cheers,
    Jamie

    >_ skiFFie ? | Twitter

    __________________

    Let the might of your compassion arise to bring a quick end
    to the flowing stream of the blood and tears .....
    Please hear my anguished words of truth.

    __________________
  3. Thanks Johnny Hart (BC) R.I.P.

    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Dallas
    Posts
    5,268
    Rep Power
    1956
    So this lady walks into a drugstore and goes up to the pharmacist. "I need some cyanide," she says.

    "What in the world do you need cyanide for?" the pharmacist asks.

    "I want to kill my Husband."

    "You can't do that. You'll go to jail and so will I for giving you the poison."

    "Well," she said, handing him a picture of her husband in bed with his wife, "look at this."

    "Ah, of course. Come this way, please. You should have said you had a prescription."

    cheers,

    gary
    There are those who manage to build a web site without knowing what they're doing; thereby proving to themselves they do, indeed, know what they're doing.

    My html and css workshop, demos and tutorials.
    Ask a better question, get a better answer.
  4. Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    356
    Rep Power
    13

    Dedicated to Beer


    The Beer Prayer #1
    -------------------

    Our Lager, which art in barrels,
    hallowed be thy drink.
    Thy will be drank.... I will be drunk,
    at home as I am in bar rooms.

    Give us this day our foamy head
    and forgive us our spillages
    as we forgive those who spill against us.
    And lead us not to the local police station,
    but deliver us from hangovers.
    For thine is the beer, the barstool and the bartender.
    Forever and ever.
    Barmen

    The Beer Prayer #2
    -------------------

    Our Brewer, Who art in Newlands
    Hallowed be thy beer

    Thy castle come, Thy Lion will be drunken
    at home As it is in shebeens

    Give us this day our daily dop
    And forgive us for drinking
    Coke and Fanta
    As we forgive those who drink
    Tea and Coffee

    Lead us not into soberness
    But deliver us to the nearest
    Bottlestore
    For we are the Drinkers
    The Drunkards and the Alcoholics
    Forever and ever
    Amstel


    HOMER SIMPSON'S "DO RE MI BEER"
    ----------------------------------

    Dough, the stuff that buys me beer,
    Ray, the guy who sells me beer,
    Me, the guy who's drinking beer,
    Far, a long way to go for beer,
    So, I'll have another beer,
    La, I'll have another beer,
    Tea, no thanks, I'm having beer....
    that will bring us back to....... D'oh


    BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART
    -------------------------------------

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
    of face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
    ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her
    house training.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

    Comments on this post

    • codergeek42 agrees : HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA A HAH AH AH...
  5. Keyboard Kowboy
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    813
    Rep Power
    23

    Bad joke


    What do Hungarian zombies eat?




    Ghoulash!

    Comments on this post

    • busmaster agrees
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique
  6. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Scotland
    Posts
    14,382
    Rep Power
    3848
    A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

    The genie said,
    'OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.'

    The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'

    The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish.'

    The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing"... know how to make them truly happy. .'

    The genie said,
    'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather horny looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

    He is rather taken aback that such a schmoootiful chicky babe would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

    She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

    His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I boned on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

    "No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

    Comments on this post

    • codergeek42 agrees : Hilarious!
    • busmaster agrees : excellent ...
    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
  7. Keyboard Kowboy
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    813
    Rep Power
    23
    Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

    The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of America."

    Mujibar said, "I am ready."
    The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

    The Officer said, "Go ahead."

    Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk. I talked to him yesterday.


    --------------------------------------------------------

    Mrs. Agathe's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way...don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

    When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.

    Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

    To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

    Comments on this post

    • bdreyer agrees : tee hee hee!
    • codergeek42 agrees : rofl!!!
    • B-Con agrees : Brilliant parot :D
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique
  8. 'fie' on me, allege-dly
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    in da kitchen ...
    Posts
    12,889
    Rep Power
    6444
    On TWA flight some time ago, a man was awoken by a beautiful stewardess

    Stewardess: "Would you like some of our TWA coffee"

    I can't remember exactly what he said, except it had something to do with Tea

    Comments on this post

    • codergeek42 disagrees : (0) That was bad. :-|
    --Ax
    without exception, there is no rule ...
    Handmade Irish Jewellery
    Targeted Advertising Cookie Optout (TACO) extension for Firefox
    The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones


    09 F9 11 02
    9D 74 E3 5B
    D8 41 56 C5
    63 56 88 C0
    Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
    -- Jamie Zawinski
    Detavil - the devil is in the detail, allegedly, and I use the term advisedly, allegedly ... oh, no, wait I did ...
    BIT COINS ANYONE
  9. His name is Robert Paulson!
    Devshed Frequenter (2500 - 2999 posts)

    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Paper Street
    Posts
    2,692
    Rep Power
    153
    ^^ I don't get it... it sux to ask, but please explain...
    Environmental LIMS
    What the hell is all this LIMS st*ff about?
    ---------------------------------------
    PHP Pagination Function
    PHP Drop Down Menus
  10. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Internet
    Posts
    7,652
    Rep Power
    6084
    @bdreyer: TWA tea
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    “Rational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.”
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  11. His name is Robert Paulson!
    Devshed Frequenter (2500 - 2999 posts)

    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Paper Street
    Posts
    2,692
    Rep Power
    153
    Originally Posted by gimp
    @bdreyer: TWA tea
    Oh, the joke was just "that" bad
    Environmental LIMS
    What the hell is all this LIMS st*ff about?
    ---------------------------------------
    PHP Pagination Function
    PHP Drop Down Menus
  12. I have a red lunch bag
    Devshed Loyal (3000 - 3499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    The armpit of Niagara
    Posts
    3,125
    Rep Power
    339
    Originally Posted by bdreyer
    Oh, the joke was just "that" bad
    Heck, I still don't get it.
    Web Design Tips - Posting and You

    If I've been helpful, and/or you're really nice, consider buying something from my Amazon.com wishlist.
    • There is no room for pride when trying to be the best at what you do.
    • Friends don't let friends use bad code.
    The club is dead.
  13. No Profile Picture
    Brony & F/OSS Advocate
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Anaheim, CA (USA)
    Posts
    6,653
    Rep Power
    2476
    Originally Posted by cybersaga
    Heck, I still don't get it.
    Oh gawd I didn't think it would be that awful. Ok, spell out "TWA" verbally. Then say the word "Tea" verbally. Now say "TWA Tea" verbally. Hint: What does that spell?
    ~~ Peter ~~ :: ( Who am I? ) :: ( Peter's Musings: Uploading myself, bit by bit... ) :: ( Electronic Frontier Foundation ) :: ( I'm a GNU/Linux addict and Free Software Advocate. ) :: ( How to Ask Questions the Smart Way ) :: ( The Fedora Project, sponsored by Red Hat ) :: ( GNOME: The Free Software Desktop Project ) :: ( GnuPG Public Key ) :: ( About me on the WIki )
  14. I have a red lunch bag
    Devshed Loyal (3000 - 3499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    The armpit of Niagara
    Posts
    3,125
    Rep Power
    339
    Woah.... ok... I got it....

    I was off on the wrong track... I was thinking "TWA Tea... TW80? What the heck is TW80?"
    Web Design Tips - Posting and You

    If I've been helpful, and/or you're really nice, consider buying something from my Amazon.com wishlist.
    • There is no room for pride when trying to be the best at what you do.
    • Friends don't let friends use bad code.
    The club is dead.
  15. Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    248
    Rep Power
    334
    What is the height of embarressment?

    Running into a brick wall with a erection and hitting your nose first.

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees : Oh, man, that would suck.

IMN logo majestic logo threadwatch logo seochat tools logo