1. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    GIRL'S DIARY
    Sunday 11th May 2003

    Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

    BLOKES DIARY
    Sunday 11th May 2003.

    My football team was relegated today. Gutted. Got a shag though.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

    Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Old Lady: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

    Old Lady: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Old Lady: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and call for back up.

    Within minutes five police cars circle the car.

    A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.


    Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

    Comments on this post

    • AdamPI agrees : Love this one
    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
  2. Give us a kiss
    Devshed Intermediate (1500 - 1999 posts)

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    Rangers' defending, way hay!

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


    Risk Free Betting at Matched-Betting.com
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    A Few Funny Quotes


    I was born intelligent - education ruined me.-------------------------------------------Practice makes perfect... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?-------------------------------------------If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?-------------------------------------------Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.-------------------------------------------How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?-------------------------------------------Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.-------------------------------------------One should love animals. They are so tasty.-------------------------------------------Save water. Shower with your girl friend.-------------------------------------------Love your neighbour. But don't get caught.-------------------------------------------The wise never marries. And when they marry they become otherwise.-------------------------------------------Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.--------------------------------------------Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.-------------------------------------------Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop-------------------------------------------Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children-------------------------------------------"Your future depends on your dreams". So go and sleep-------------------------------------------There should be a better way to start a day. Than waking up every morning-------------------------------------------"Hard work never killed anybody". But why take the risk!-------------------------------------------A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises withoutrestricting the view-------------------------------------------The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, themoreyou forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So, why learn?-------------------------------------------A bus station is where a bus stops. A Railway station is whererail stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........-------------------------------------------If everything seems to be coming your way, then you are probablyin the wrong lane.-------------------------------------------If history repeats itself then why do we have to memorize it???
  4. um, Hello?
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive older lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

    The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:

    "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."

    "Yes, I do."

    "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

    "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

    "No need to apologize, she just died and left me everything!"

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees : Not bad.
    • busmaster agrees : nice
    "America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to "the common good," but by the productive genius
    of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not
    starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages and
    cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance --
    and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way."
    --Ayn Rand
  5. Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    Ring Ring


    ((ring-g-g-g-g)))
    (((ring-g-g-g-g)))

    pick up***

    "Hello?"

    "Hi, honey, this is Daddy" .... "Is Mommy near the phone?"

    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"

    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

    "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"

    "Uh, Okay, then .. here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house & then come back to the phone."

    "Okay, Daddy!"

    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy."

    "And what happened?" he asks.

    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."

    "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."

    ***long pause***

    ***more pause****





    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? - Is this 642-3357?"
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    A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your
    resume despite years of experience and a number of references!

    Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for
    successful penetration.
    Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches?
    Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.


    Son kills a butterfly.
    Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
    Son kills a honeybee.
    Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
    Mom kills a cockroach.
    Son: Dad u tell her or should I?


    Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl,
    my wife is a gambler.
    God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
    Man: I'm HIV positive

    A doc advising his patient who had a heart attack: No smoking, no
    drinking & hv sex only with ur wife because it is important that you
    avoid excitement.


    Breaking News: Coke'll launch a new soft drink in the world market
    soon, that"ll contain Viagra. They have named it MOUNT-N- DO

    Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'Goods delivered are not
    returnable.'
    Groom gave another note back to father: 'Contract void if seal is
    broken.'

    Man: May l hv some condoms please. I'm giving my gal a gift tonight.
    Clerk: Shall I gift wrap them?
    Man: No, the condoms will serve as a wrapper for the gift.
  7. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
    Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.
    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
    No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f**king dishes!"

    Comments on this post

    • busmaster agrees : HAR HAR HAR ...
    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
  8. No Profile Picture
    rebel with a cause
    Devshed God 1st Plane (5500 - 5999 posts)

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    Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just room mates."


    About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote the following e-mail:


    Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love Brian.


    Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:


    Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would
    have found the gravy ladle by now. Love Mom
    LESSON OF THE DAY --- NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

    Comments on this post

    • LinuxPenguin agrees : LMAO
    • busmaster agrees
    Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.
  9. Lounge Troll
    Devshed Loyal (3000 - 3499 posts)

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    Microsoft TV Dinner


    Microsoft tv dinner
    1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.

    2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

    3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:

    4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.

    5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

    6. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

    7. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

    8. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

    9. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.

    10. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

    11. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

    Comments on this post

    • crownjewel82 agrees : should have gone in the jokes thread but funny none the less
    • gimp agrees : Raised a chuckle
    Codeinated
  10. Crypto-Con
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.
    My fav
    - "Cryptographically secure linear feedback shift register based stream ciphers" -- a phrase that'll get any party started.
    - Why know the ordinary when you can understand the extraordinary?
    - Sponsor my caffeine addiction! (36.70 USD received so far -- Latest donor: Mark Foxvog.
    )
  11. long time no see :)
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    Hehehe, pretty funny, but probably more suited for the joke thread.

    I particularly like this bit:
    3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:

    4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.
  12. long time no see :)
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    I don't know how many of you are familier with the popular Halo series "Red vs. Blue", but they the most hilarious comparison of real life to the internet.

    [link] (has a fair bit of language in the video.)

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees : Nice
    • lw22 agrees : funny cause its true
    • cybersaga agrees : That's good shtuff.
    üüAKA Marty Jones (todayeffect - writerlance.com)
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    A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

    The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

    The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

    Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

    She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

    She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

    The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."
  14. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    # Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have installed?"
    # Customer: "... Double glazed."
    Link: http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  15. finding balance
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    I've taken enough from this thread to spread joy amongst my coworkers and colleagues, I could give a couple back:

    A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
    "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
    "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
    The barman replied, "Yes."
    So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
    "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
    "How much money?" inquires the guy.
    "Four cents," he replies.
    "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
    The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
    The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
    The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."


    Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
    "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
    The wolf jumps up and runs away.
    Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
    "My what big ears you have, Mr.Wolf."
    Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
    About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
    "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
    With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a sh*t"!

    Comments on this post

    • Kokoro agrees : Second one's brilliant!
    • busmaster agrees
    Ride that train of thought out all the way. See where it takes you. Then, think about if that's where you want to be.

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