1. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Internet
    Posts
    7,652
    Rep Power
    6084
    * Customer: "My monitor is wavy."
    * Tech Support: "Your monitor is wavy. Hmmm. Is it on?"
    * Customer: "Huh...urm...uhh. Nope."
    * Tech Support: "What are you on?"
    * Customer: "Hehehe...ohh yeah...thanks." (click)
    That made me almost fall out of my seat...
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  2. Blowing up trees with my mind.
    Devshed Loyal (3000 - 3499 posts)

    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Neverland Ranch, minus the touching.
    Posts
    3,382
    Rep Power
    2567
    *Knock Knock*

    -"Who's there?"

    -"Amy Fisher."

    -"Amy Fisher wh.."

    -BANG

    Comments on this post

    • ChiefWigs1982 disagrees
    • cybersaga disagrees : Yeah, that is pretty bad. [-0]
    • mike65535 agrees : Bad taste? Maybe. Funny still, esp. for a LIer
    • gimp agrees
    • Kokoro agrees : We all make mistakes. :)
  3. Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    356
    Rep Power
    13
    Originally Posted by cybersaga
    Yeah, that is pretty bad. [-0]
    i didnt get the joke. someone please explain.
    Last edited by busmaster; August 30th, 2005 at 12:58 PM.
  4. Cunning Linguist
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    I used to live at home, now I stay at the house
    Posts
    10,180
    Rep Power
    2039
    [QUOTE=busmaster]
    Originally Posted by cybersaga
    Yeah, that is pretty bad. [-0]
    [/html]

    i didnt get the joke. someone please explain.
    Google for 'Amy Fisher'...
  5. No Profile Picture
    Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    KOLKATA
    Posts
    39
    Rep Power
    0

    A girl's first time


    A girl's first time!!
    ------------------------------------------------------------
    It's your first time.
    As you lie back your muscles tighten.
    You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
    but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
    He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
    He has had more experience,
    but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
    He probes deeply and you shiver;
    your body tenses;but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
    He looks deeply within your eyes and
    tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
    His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider
    to give him more room for an easy entrance.
    You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he
    slowly takes his time, wanting to cause
    you as little pain as possible. As he presses
    closer,going deeper, you feel the tissue give way;
    pain surges throughout your body and you
    feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He
    looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
    Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake
    your head and nod for him to go on.
    He begins going in and out with skill but you
    are now too numb to feel him within you.
    After a few moments,you feel something
    bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,you lay
    panting,glad to have it over.
    He looks at you and
    smiling warmly,tells you, with a chuckle; that you
    have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding
    experience.


    You smile and thank your DENTIST. After all,it was
    your first time to have a TOOTH pulled. Naughty,
    Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what
    you were thinking!

    Comments on this post

    • ryjyd agrees : I love that joke... I've heard it, but thanks for reminding me that I heard it.
    • busmaster agrees : my friend had showed me this some 4 years ago.
  6. finding balance
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    444
    Rep Power
    54
    There is something to be said about youth and the lacking ability to foresee consequential circumstances that may arise from historical actions... but that's not funny, and this is a joke thread
    Ride that train of thought out all the way. See where it takes you. Then, think about if that's where you want to be.
  7. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Scotland
    Posts
    14,382
    Rep Power
    3848
    My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
    My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
    One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
    I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
    I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

    Comments on this post

    • dotancohen agrees : hehehehehheheheheheheheheheheh
    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
  8. Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    248
    Rep Power
    334
    WOMEN'S REVENGE

    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
    the woman wished to purchase.


    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
    control for a television set in her purse.


    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.


    "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
    shopping with me,and I
    figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
    him legally."




    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ---
    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
    not saying a word.


    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.


    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked
    sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"


    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ---
    W O R D S
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many
    words women use a day..
    30,000 to a man's 15,000.


    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
    have to repeat everything
    to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
    "What?"


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ---
    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
    can be so stupid and
    so beautiful all at the same time.


    " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.


    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to
    me;


    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ---
    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who
    should brew the coffee
    each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
    first, and then we dont
    have to wait as long to get our coffee."
    The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
    around here and you should
    do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
    for my coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
    is in the Bible that
    the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
    Testament and showed him at the
    top of several pages, that it indeed
    says.........."HEBREWS"


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    THE SILENT TREATMENT
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
    ould need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.


    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
    piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
    would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
    it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
    and see why his wife hadnt wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
    by the bed.

    The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    NAUGHTY POEM

    She whispered "will it hurt me?"
    "Of course not" answered he
    "It's a very simple process,
    You can rely on me."

    She said "I'm very frightened,
    I've not had this before.
    My friend has had it five times
    And said it can be sore."

    It was growing rather painful
    Tears formed in her eyes
    It was hurting quite a bit now
    It must have been a size.

    "Calm yourself" he whispered
    "His face filled with a grin
    "Try and open wider
    So I can get it in."

    "It's coming now" he whispered
    "I know" she cried in bliss
    Feeling it deep within her now
    She said "I am glad I'm having this."

    And with a final effort
    She gave a frightened shout
    He gripped it in anguish
    And quickly pulled it out.

    She lay back quite contended
    Sighed and gave a smile
    She said "I'm glad I came now
    You made it worth my while."

    Now if you read this carefully
    The dentist you will find
    Is not what you imagined
    It's just your dirty mind!!
  9. um, Hello?
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    FN23fc
    Posts
    719
    Rep Power
    160
    After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

    The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
    "America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to "the common good," but by the productive genius
    of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not
    starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages and
    cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance --
    and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way."
    --Ayn Rand
  10. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Scotland
    Posts
    14,382
    Rep Power
    3848

    I'll say it now......this is pretty bad........


    Breaking News - Water Found on Mars ==> Link

    Comments on this post

    • Dictionary agrees : I was gonna post this, but you already posted it. Good for you! lol
    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
  11. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Internet
    Posts
    7,652
    Rep Power
    6084
    Dude... That isn't even the original picture... Just someone using the other picture for the idea.

    Whatever.
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  12. long time no see :)
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    733
    Rep Power
    29
    Just rembered this one, hope it hasn't been posted:

    3 guys are walking on the beach of an island, because their ship crashed, and they're stranded. They're the only survivors. Suddenly, a tribe of cannibals come rushing at them. They can't get away! The cannibals carry them back to their tribe. The leader says to the men: "Go out, find some fruits, and bring them back." They go (accompanied by gaurds) to find fruits. Two of the guys come back, one with cherries, the other with blueberries. The leader says to them: "Stick these one by one, up your butt, without making noise, or any sudden movements." The guy with cherries tries, but he sneezes on about his 5th one, so they kill him and eat him. The second guy (with the blueberries) tries, but about 3/4 of the way through, he laughs, so they kill him and eat him.

    So the two guys are up at heavens gate, and the first says to the second: "What happened man, why'd you laugh?" The second respondes: "I saw the third guy coming back with watermelons."
    Last edited by Kokoro; September 1st, 2005 at 12:09 PM.
    üüAKA Marty Jones (todayeffect - writerlance.com)
  13. Give us a kiss
    Devshed Intermediate (1500 - 1999 posts)

    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Fife, Scotland
    Posts
    1,788
    Rep Power
    656
    A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

    The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in.

    "So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

    Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

    After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

    Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly baby blood. He then turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

    "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are totally menthol".

    Comments on this post

    • ChiefWigs1982 agrees : That is bad. :O
    • aitken325i agrees : ha ha ha !


    Risk Free Betting at Matched-Betting.com
  14. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Scotland
    Posts
    14,382
    Rep Power
    3848
    MR CADBURY & MS ROWNTREE, A LOVE STORY.....

    Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar; he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

    Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
  15. Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    248
    Rep Power
    334

    Quick Witted


    A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

    "Canada, sir," the boy replied.

    "Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

    "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

    The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees

IMN logo majestic logo threadwatch logo seochat tools logo