1. No Profile Picture
    Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    61
    Rep Power
    5
    LMAO!!! yes i'm a woman who refused to listen and continued.... Hilarious!
  2. Hats off to Mr. Joseph donahue
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    752
    Rep Power
    1107
    Hope this one is not posted yet.

    Two ladies(both unmarried) talking to each other at a marriage ceremony:
    First Lady: I hate coming to the marriage ceremonies.
    Second Lady: Why?
    First Lady: Whenever I am at such an occasion, my grandma starts bitching me - "You Are Next"
    Second Lady: Oh! The same happened to me. But she stopped ever since I started telling her "You Are Next".
    First Lady(surprised): What! At the marriage ceremonies?
    Second Lady: No, at the Funerals.

    Comments on this post

    • AdamPI disagrees : Been retold about a half-dozen times now...
    • Arty Ziff agrees
  3. Contributing User
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Hindustan
    Posts
    1,121
    Rep Power
    1309
    An Army Captain is assigned to remote desert post in Iraq. During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier why its there?

    The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urgers."

    A month later the Caption has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has sex with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"

    "No sir, they usually ride it 2 the brothel!"

    Comments on this post

    • Arkantos agrees : sare hindiwalo ekattha raho!
    • RAJ_55555 agrees : kyuki dil hai hindustani
    Trimbak D. Bankar.
  4. Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Kolkata, Ind-Yeah!
    Posts
    288
    Rep Power
    52
    New prefix
    If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

    Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
    Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
    Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
    Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
    Bimbag - a blonde's purse
    Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
    Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
    Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
    Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
    Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
    Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
    Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
    Bimboette - a young blonde
    Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
    Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
    Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
    Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
    Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
    Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
    Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
    Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
    Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall


    -----------------------------------------

    ABC's of ex girlfriends
    A
    is for Arteries.
    You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.

    B
    is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

    C
    is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

    D
    is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

    E
    is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

    F
    is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

    G
    is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

    H
    is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

    I
    stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

    J
    stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

    K
    stands for Kill.

    L
    is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

    L
    is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

    M
    stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

    N
    stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

    O
    is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

    P
    is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

    Q
    is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

    R
    is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

    S
    stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

    T
    is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

    U
    is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

    V
    is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

    W
    stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

    X
    is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

    Y
    stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

    Z
    stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

    .
    stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.



    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    Two zebras pondering
    Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
    stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
    know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
    and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
    zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
    what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
    stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

    Comments on this post

    • gimp disagrees : (-0) Holy **** dude, this is the joke thread, not the bitter thread
  5. Contributing User
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Hindustan
    Posts
    1,121
    Rep Power
    1309
    Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

    Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
    Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

    "Oh,"said Hillary,"whose clock is that?"

    "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

    "Whose clock is that?"

    "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

    "Where's Bill's clock?"Hillary asked.

    "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

    Comments on this post

    • Skipt agrees
    Trimbak D. Bankar.
  6. No Profile Picture
    Contributing User
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    30
    Rep Power
    0
    Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

    "God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

    "Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

    Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

    This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ***!"

    ... the teacher fainted
  7. No Profile Picture
    Banned
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    13
    Rep Power
    0
    A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

    Comments on this post

    • Skipt agrees
  8. No Profile Picture
    Permanently Banned
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Tacoma, WA
    Posts
    199
    Rep Power
    0
    At an art museum in Europe, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean stand before a painting of Adam and Eve holding an apple in the Garden of Eden. The Englishman says: "The man has something tasty to eat and is eager to share it with the woman. Based on that, I would conclude that they're rather obviously English..." The Frenchman says: "I disagree. They're walking around entirely naked, so they must be French..." The North Korean says: "There is no doubt in my mind that they're North Korean. They have no clothes to wear, barely anything to eat, and they still think they're in heaven!"

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees : Wow - a new joke in the joke thread...
    • Skipt agrees
  9. Contributing User
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Switzerland
    Posts
    1,152
    Rep Power
    1902
    A French womanizer goes on vacation to a beautiful beach hotel filled with sexy single women. As he's cruising the hotel pool he spots competition - some athletic African guy. He decides that an immediate threat assessment is in order and walk up to him. They sit down beside the pool letting their legs dangle into the water.

    The French guy say: "Listen - you may be 'ot stuff where you come from but we french are ze true lovers of ze world. Iffe I like a woman you better go find someone else."
    The African guy is unimpressed and answers: "Oh really? And what do you think makes you so much better?"
    "Very simple. I am so sensitive I can tell with just the tip of my pen** that ze water is exactly 29.7 C."
    "I concur - and 1.5 meters deep."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Not exactly a joke but if you're into movies and tv shows then there's lots of fun to be had browsing tvtropes.

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees
    - Hugh of Borg

    The first thing young borg are taught: Keep away from Microsoft software!
  10. Contributing User
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Switzerland
    Posts
    1,152
    Rep Power
    1902
    Did you hear about the WM? The first match between Colombia and Jamaica was canceled without goals after only 10 minutes!

    The Colombians snuffed the lines and the Jamaicans smoked the grass...
    - Hugh of Borg

    The first thing young borg are taught: Keep away from Microsoft software!
  11. Contributed User
    Devshed Specialist (4000 - 4499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    4,413
    Rep Power
    1871
    I went to www.pyromaniacs.com the other day, and did a search for how to start a fire .

    The result came back "Sorry - no matches"

    So I left

    Comments on this post

    • RAJ_55555 agrees
    • gimp agrees
    • Ehlanna agrees : * rolls eyes * ;)
  12. Sarcky
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Pennsylvania, USA
    Posts
    10,908
    Rep Power
    6352
    If there's anything I love, it's topical humor. That being said, this joke is at least 3 years out of date:


    George Bush (the younger) wakes up one morning, and is being given his daily briefing over breakfast. He dismissively waves away reports of domestic issues like the stock market and various protest marches. His aide gets to foreign affairs (including armed conflicts) and Bush perks up a little, but still has no real reaction until his aide concludes with "...and three Brazilian soldiers died in an explosion last night."

    Bush's face goes slack in horror, his mug hitting the table hard, splattering him with coffee. "Oh...oh my god!" he declares. With tears in his eyes he slowly turns to his most trusted advisor. "Colin," he says, "how many is in a brazillion?"

    Comments on this post

    • Ehlanna agrees : I can just about imagine that ...
    • Skipt agrees : I owe you rep. Got none :/
    HEY! YOU! Read the New User Guide and Forum Rules

    "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -Benjamin Franklin

    "The greatest tragedy of this changing society is that people who never knew what it was like before will simply assume that this is the way things are supposed to be." -2600 Magazine, Fall 2002

    Think we're being rude? Maybe you asked a bad question or you're a Help Vampire. Trying to argue intelligently? Please read this.
  13. Contributing User
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Switzerland
    Posts
    1,152
    Rep Power
    1902
    Women are like Hurricanes:

    When they come they're wild and wet.
    When they leave you've just lost your house and car.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A little Firefly humor:

    The crew got themself a prisoner. Malcom tells Jayne to go and interrogate him. With an eager look on his face Jayne pulls out his big knife.

    Malcom: "Just scare him!"
    Jayne: "Pain IS scary!"

    Comments on this post

    • Jyncka agrees : Jayne ftw
    - Hugh of Borg

    The first thing young borg are taught: Keep away from Microsoft software!
  14. Moderator Emeritus
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Austin, TX
    Posts
    7,186
    Rep Power
    2265

    My contribution to the Horatio Caine meme...


    I know, cheesy...
    Attached Images
    DrGroove, Devshed Moderator | New to Devshed? Read the User Guide | Connect with me on LinkedIn
  15. 'fie' on me, allege-dly
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    in da kitchen ...
    Posts
    12,890
    Rep Power
    6444
    Terrorists have started planting bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti. This will require caution on everyone's part, because if even one of these go off, it could spell "DISASTER"

    Comments on this post

    • Skipt agrees
    --Ax
    without exception, there is no rule ...
    Handmade Irish Jewellery
    Targeted Advertising Cookie Optout (TACO) extension for Firefox
    The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones


    09 F9 11 02
    9D 74 E3 5B
    D8 41 56 C5
    63 56 88 C0
    Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
    -- Jamie Zawinski
    Detavil - the devil is in the detail, allegedly, and I use the term advisedly, allegedly ... oh, no, wait I did ...
    BIT COINS ANYONE

IMN logo majestic logo threadwatch logo seochat tools logo