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    One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

    The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.

    The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

    However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

    This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.

    Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
    Trimbak D. Bankar.
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    Why did B'Elanna Torres last boyfriend break up with her?    



    The Voyager's Doc is diagnosing a sick crewmember.
    Doc: Hmmmm. It looks like you were poisoned.
    Patient: Oh my god! With what?
    Doc: Don't worry. We'll find that out during your autopsy...


    Janeway's Problem Solving Handbook:
    1. Order crew to compensate.
    2. Coffee
    3. Place hands on hip and tell crew to solve the problem already.
    4. Coffee
    5. Dress up and go to the Holodeck.
    6. Tee, or Irish coffee
    7. Use Vulcan Mindmeld. Errr, scratch that. Shut off doctor and then use Vulcan Mindmeld.
    8. Lots of coffee
    9. Use Borg Nanoprobes. Err, scratch that. Turn doctor back on and then use Borg Nanoprobes.
    10. Even more coffee
    11. Lock yourself in your room, dim lights and wait for crew to solve problem.
    Last edited by Hugh of Borg; June 23rd, 2010 at 09:55 AM. Reason: using expand tag
    - Hugh of Borg

    The first thing young borg are taught: Keep away from Microsoft software!
  3. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
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    At the yearly circus convention, one man puts on a show that astounds all the other trainers: He has successfully trained cows to understand and perform a limited amount of commands.

    One of the circus heads says, "We've never seen anything like this before! Everyone knows that training cows is impossible because they are slow and dimwitted creatures. How were you able to do it?"

    He responds, "Actually, it was fairly easy. See, I used to be a system administrator..."

    Comments on this post

    • fishtoprecords agrees
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    “Rational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.”
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
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    Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?

    They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
    Trimbak D. Bankar.
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    Originally Posted by tbankar
    Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?

    They've experienced the pain of buying jewelry.
    FTFY.
    - Hugh of Borg

    The first thing young borg are taught: Keep away from Microsoft software!
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    Q - What is the difference between a woman and a volcano?
    A - A volcano can't fake an eruption.

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees : bahahah
  7. /usr/bin/drinking
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    ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE....

    We'll begin with a box, and the plural is
    boxes,
    But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
    One fowl is a goose, but two are called
    geese,
    Yet the plural of moose should never be
    meese.
    You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of
    mice,
    Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
  8. Not a clue what to put ...
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    Let's not forget:

    brother => brethren
    mother => methren?
    According to Sod's Law, buttered toast lands butter side down, when dropped.
    Per nature, cats always land on their feet.
    So, what happens when you strap buttered toast to the back of a cat and throw it out a window?
    .
  9. Sarcky
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    brother => brethren
    That's archaic though, doesn't count.
    HEY! YOU! Read the New User Guide and Forum Rules

    "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -Benjamin Franklin

    "The greatest tragedy of this changing society is that people who never knew what it was like before will simply assume that this is the way things are supposed to be." -2600 Magazine, Fall 2002

    Think we're being rude? Maybe you asked a bad question or you're a Help Vampire. Trying to argue intelligently? Please read this.
  10. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
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    One day an old Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb burn out. To get a new one he'll have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and they'll probably be out by the time he gets there), so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.
    He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen better days. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
    "Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
    The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home."
    "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
    "Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home."
    "Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?"
    "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his --"
    "Okokok. Right. What's this business about Genghis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?"
    The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    “Rational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.”
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  11. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
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    A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
    After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,"No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, And again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to out last him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    “Rational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.”
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  12. Santosh Vaza
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    Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front.
    Who do you let in?

    Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in

    Comments on this post

    • tbankar agrees
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act
  13. /usr/bin/drinking
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    A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

    He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

    The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

    It read...



    MAIN ENTRANCE.

    Comments on this post

    • Weekend Coder agrees
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    Those with finer sensibilities may refrain from reading this one.

    Q: What's the only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig? A: A woman who won't do as she's told.

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    • Arty Ziff disagrees : Not Funny
    • Skipt disagrees
    • codeJ disagrees
    • sarav_dude disagrees : bull****
    • Winters agrees
  15. Santosh Vaza
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    After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

    God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

    Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

    God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

    Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

    Comments on this post

    • Weekend Coder agrees
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act

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