1. Sarcky
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Q: What's the only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig? A: A woman who won't do as she's told.
    A man is driving down a winding mountain road one day. As he rounds a corner, a woman comes around in the other direction. She leans out her window and screams "PIG!" He bellows back at her "BlTCH!!!" He rounds the next corner and crashes right into a pig in the middle of the road.
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  2. Santosh Vaza
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    A man married a Lady Traffic police Inspector.
    Friend: How was ur first night?
    Man: She charged Rs 100 from me for Overspeed, 200 for wrongside entry and Rs 500 for no helmet

    Comments on this post

    • Skipt disagrees
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act
  3. Santosh Vaza
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    A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

    Comments on this post

    • sarav_dude agrees
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act
  4. Contributing User
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

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    Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.

    The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

    The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

    The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in the Sears Tower. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor."

    Comments on this post

    • RAJ_55555 agrees
    Trimbak D. Bankar.
  5. Autodidact
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    This one's been spun a few ways.

    An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    - Love, Papa


    A few days later he received this letter from his son:

    Dear Pop,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    - Love, Vinnie


    At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    - Love, Vinnie

    Comments on this post

    • Skipt agrees
    • RAJ_55555 agrees
    Soldiers, from the height of these pyramids forty centuries look down upon you.
    ▪ Napoleon, on the eve of the Battle of the Pyramids
  6. They're coming to take me away

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    Why'd the spider cross the road?


    To get to his website.

    Comments on this post

    • sarav_dude agrees : haha
    • gimp agrees : Nice.
    "I don't need to get a life. I'm a gamer. I have lots of lives!"
  7. Santosh Vaza
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    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
    The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

    The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

    The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

    The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

    Comments on this post

    • f_nietzsche agrees
    • RAJ_55555 agrees : yaraana?
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act
  8. Contributing User
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

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    A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu, “I`d like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked that it’s runny, and one so over cooked that it’s tough and hard to eat.

    "I’d also like grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

    That’s a complicated order sir”, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”

    The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees : I plan to try this.
    • codeJ agrees
    • dotancohen agrees : I will be using this one!
    • paulh1983 agrees : funny, but why did he go there the second day! what is it they say? learn from your "mistakes"
    Trimbak D. Bankar.
  9. Santosh Vaza
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
    The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
    The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

    The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

    The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
    "Try doing it with the engine running."
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act
  10. Santosh Vaza
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.

    She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

    The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

    The blonde said, "Hellooo. I have windows!"
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act
  11. Hats off to Mr. Joseph donahue
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    A man was in the restaurant when he suddenly realized he desperately
    needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his
    gas with the beat of the music.

    After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee,
    and noticed that everybody was staring at him....

    Then he suddenly realized that he was listening to his iPod.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
    young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
    At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
    Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
    The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"
    And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

    Comments on this post

    • sarav_dude agrees
    • codeJ agrees : you made me to remember my child hood (the 2nd one).. he he he
    Last edited by RAJ_55555; August 28th, 2010 at 02:57 PM.
  12. Santosh Vaza
    Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
    At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

    OUT of POINT:

    Also RAJ_55555 i remember the Big B goes to meet his child hood friend Amjad Khan (The Gabbar Singh) in movie.......... Ha ha ha ha...

    Got a joke? Post it!
    Last edited by codeJ; August 31st, 2010 at 06:12 AM.
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act
  13. Hats off to Mr. Joseph donahue
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    Originally Posted by codeJ
    Also RAJ_55555 i remember the Big B goes to meet his child hood friend Amjad Khan (The Gabbar Singh) in movie
    Well his[Big B's] friends have never been honest with him, have they?
    First Amjaad khan, his best friend in yaraana betrayed him in Sholay.
    Then again Viru Paji, his best friend in Sholay betrayed him and married basanti in real life! Poor Chap.
  14. Santosh Vaza
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    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Bubba:
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

    Love, Dad

    A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad:
    For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.Love, Bubba

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
    That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.Love, Bubba

    Comments on this post

    • jst666 disagrees : This has to be a record. There's 8 posts between this and previous post of the same joke.
    • ManiacDan disagrees : Both of you are top5 posters too, is this how you manage it?
    • AdamPI disagrees : Just for the massive amount of trolling the Jokes thread (TOTM winner?)
    • RAJ_55555 agrees : @Dan both of whom?
    • f_nietzsche disagrees : And she's dancing like she never danced before
    no one can become perfect by merely ceasing the act
  15. No Profile Picture
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    Helium walks into a bar. The barman says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve noble gases in here.' Helium is unreactive.

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