1. Sarcky
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    My friend bought a dog from a locksmith. The minute he got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
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    "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -Benjamin Franklin

    "The greatest tragedy of this changing society is that people who never knew what it was like before will simply assume that this is the way things are supposed to be." -2600 Magazine, Fall 2002

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    Many years back, not too long after WW2, a comedian toured through the recovering France. As he got up on the stage he was seen carrying something rectangular under his left arm. He turned to the audience and said: I've got myself this recently..." and displayed what was a big framed picture of Hitler.

    The audience was shocked at the audacity the comedian displayed. Then the comedian interrupted the angry remarks and continued: "but I just can't decide whether to hang it or to just put it up against the wall."
    - Hugh of Borg

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    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    Comments on this post

    • requinix agrees : god help me, I laughed at that
    • SimonJM agrees : It's an oldie but a goody!
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    "I've been reading a book on anti gravity."

    "Is it any good?"

    "It's fantastic, I couldn't put it down!"

    Comments on this post

    • SimonJM agrees : *groan* ;)
    • f_nietzsche agrees : Muahaha
    • ManiacDan agrees : Terrible
    If you dance barefoot on the broken glass of undefined behaviour, you've got to expect the occasional cut.
    If at first you don't succeed, try writing your phone number on the exam paper
  5. Sarcky
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    So did you guys know that diarrhea is genetic?

    Yeah...it runs in your jeans.

    Comments on this post

    • AdamPI agrees : But I'm wearing slacks!
    • sarav_dude agrees : lolz
    HEY! YOU! Read the New User Guide and Forum Rules

    "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -Benjamin Franklin

    "The greatest tragedy of this changing society is that people who never knew what it was like before will simply assume that this is the way things are supposed to be." -2600 Magazine, Fall 2002

    Think we're being rude? Maybe you asked a bad question or you're a Help Vampire. Trying to argue intelligently? Please read this.
  6. 'fie' on me, allege-dly
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    AdamPI agrees: But I'm wearing slacks!
    ,..., now that's funny, ... or is it, discuss ...
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    BIT COINS ANYONE
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    There once was a fellow McSweeny
    Who spilled some gin on his weenie
    Just to be couth
    He added vermouth
    Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

    There once was a man Robin Hood
    Who lived in a Knottingham wood
    He learned how to f**k
    from old Friar Tuck
    And made Marion whenever he could

    There once was a fellow O'Doole
    Who found little red spots on his tool
    His Doctor a cynic
    said Get out of me clinic,
    And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

    A pirate, history relates
    Was scuffling with some of his mates
    When he slipped on a cutlass
    Which rendered him nutless
    And practically useless on dates

    There once was a woman named Jill
    Who swallowed an exploding pill
    They found her vagina
    In North Carolina
    And her tits in a tree in Brazil

    There once was a plumber from Lee
    Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
    She said Stop your plumbing,
    There's somebody coming!
    Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

    A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
    Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
    To the druggist she went
    And laid down her last cent
    Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed."

    On the moors Kelly walked in a daze
    There she'd bark at the moon and the haze
    Still her friends weren't concerned
    For by now they had learned
    Once a month she would go through this phase.
    (author's note to the ladies: "She was a
    werewolf. Now is it funny?")

    A randy marsupial named Reeves
    Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
    When they'd asked him for money
    He'd say "Listen honey
    A koala eats bushes and leaves."

    Now down in the valley of Shneel
    Lived a woman who loved to reveal
    With her curtains well drawn
    Standing bare as a fawn
    She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

    Now this right old man was a sick 'un
    He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
    He'd chase 'em around
    With his trousers pulled down
    And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

    A new farmer's helper named Kull
    Accidentally was milking a bull
    The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
    You done milked the wrong one!"
    Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."

    Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef
    Who caused local farmers much grief
    To their cows he would run
    Cut their legs off for fun
    And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"

    There once was a man from Madrass
    Whose balls were made out of brass
    When he'd bang 'em together
    They'd play stormy weather
    And lightning would shoot out of his ***

    There once was a man from Havana
    Screwed a girl on a player piano
    At the height of their fever
    Her *** hit the lever
    And Yes he has no banana...

    There once was a man from East Kent
    Whose tool was so long that it bent
    To save her some trouble
    He folded it double
    And instead of coming...he went

    There once was a man from Bonaire
    Who was doing his wife on the stair
    When the banister broke
    He doubled his stroke
    And finished her off in midair

    On a knoll a young maiden named Molly
    Her innocence lost through young folly
    His name was Sing Chum
    And too soon he did cum
    And all he could say was "I'm solly!"

    A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
    "Does **** stick to your fur as a habit?"
    "Of course not," said the hare,
    "It's really quite rare!"
    So the bear wiped his *** with the rabbit.

    There was a young tease from Mount Chesser
    Who'd smile as the men would assess her
    So flirtatious was she
    Inviting them home to tea
    Then allowing not one to undress her

    To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
    "My wife Edith just told me we're through,
    For she says I'm too fat."
    And his friend told him that,
    "You can't have your cake and Edith, too."

    There once was a girl named Tristan
    Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
    She said "I don't think,"
    As she spit out her drink,
    "On the menu that this one was listed."

    Said a fool whose mind was quite miniscule
    As his ignorance reached a new pinnacle
    "I don't believe in astrology
    It's my ideology
    But I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical.

    I had me a wench from East Broint
    Who bade me her skin to anoint
    The girl had arthritis
    And so I decided
    She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.

    Comments on this post

    • DaWei_M agrees : The koala one brought your total rep up to zero, and is probably gonna get me killed tomorrow.
    • Arty Ziff agrees : I have to agree, the Koala joke is pretty funny, and pretty much the only one worth a chuckle...
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    100 Reasons to be Gay


    100 Reasons to be Gay

    1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
    2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
    3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
    4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
    5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
    6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
    7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
    8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
    9. You really have "been there, done that."
    10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
    11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
    12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
    13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
    14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
    15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
    16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
    17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
    18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
    19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
    20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
    21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
    22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
    23. You've always got an opinion.
    24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
    25. You know how to dress strategically.
    26. Your car has an amusing female name.
    27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
    28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
    29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
    30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
    31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
    32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
    33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
    34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
    35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
    36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
    37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
    38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
    39. You know how to make an entrance.
    40. You know when to make an exit.
    41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
    42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
    43. You know how to program your VCR.
    44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
    45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
    46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
    47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
    48. You know when to play dumb.
    49. You know what to do for a hangover.
    50. Yes, you do have a condom.
    51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
    52. One or more of the following apply to you:
    a) You adore Judy Garland
    b) You hate Judy Garland
    c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
    d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
    e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
    f) Who is Judy Garland?
    53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
    a) Bernadette
    b) Chita
    c) Barbra
    54. You made Donna Summer a star.
    55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
    56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
    57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
    58. You know when the party's over.
    59. You know where to go after the party's over.
    60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
    61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
    a) Your grandma
    b) Your face lift
    c) John Wayne Bobbit
    62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
    63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
    64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
    65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
    66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
    67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
    68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
    69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
    70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
    71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
    72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
    73. You've left someone totally speechless.
    74. You've shaved something other than your face.
    75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
    76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
    77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
    78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
    79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
    80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
    81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
    82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
    83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
    84. You know your enemies.
    85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
    86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
    87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
    88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
    89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
    90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
    91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
    92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
    93. You know, by heart, every line in:
    a) All about Eve
    b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
    c) Your face
    94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
    95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
    96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
    97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
    98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
    99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
    100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
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    ..

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    • Skipt agrees
    Last edited by Arty Ziff; November 19th, 2010 at 09:58 PM.
  10. Eager to learn
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    lol Arty your near the next thousand mark :P

    Anyway, its probably a quote but whatever

    If con is the opposite of pro. What is the opposite of progress?
    "Quality of responses may vary. I reserve the right to change my mind for any reason what-so-ever without admitting I was wrong. I'd prefer to change your mind however, it's easier on my ego". - jwdonahue

    "so no-one has actually bothered to post an original quote ? what's wrong with making up your own?"
    - marnixR
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    Originally Posted by Skipt
    lol Arty your near the next thousand mark :P

    Anyway, its probably a quote but whatever
    Actually, I had posted a joke so filthy, dirty, and disgusting, that I seriously reconsidered it because I thought it would get me banned. Even me. It was that bad...

    But just to give you a hint...

    It had NOTHING to do with gimps, retarded girls, negros, short people, poles, hebes, spics, or whops.

    By the way, I'm a whop. That's a greasy Italian for those not into the Old School racial terms.

    It's a fact, I slick my hair with extra virgin olive oil, but let me tell you, it's pretty great for sex, the olive oil I mean. Oil yourself up, oil your "partner", and party on. Captain Morgan approves.

    - Arty

    Oh, by the way, I would also like folks here to know: I wear SOLID GOLD boxer shorts. No ****. Solid gold.
    Last edited by Arty Ziff; November 20th, 2010 at 12:51 AM.
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    Here's one,


    if($girl['looks'] == "hot"){
    if($beer == "cold"){
    $life = "Sorted!";
    }elseif(function_exists($girl_get_beer) == true){
    if(msg_send ($girl['job_que'], 1, 'Get me a beer out of the fridge!') === false){
    $life = "Get a new girl!";
    }
    }else{
    array_push($girl['functions'], 'get_beer');
    }
    }else{
    $life = "Get a new girl!";
    }
    echo $life;

    Comments on this post

    • sarav_dude agrees : lol
  13. Hats off to Mr. Joseph donahue
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    Wink


    10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving, which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

    Comments on this post

    • Skipt disagrees
    • ManiacDan agrees : Balance +1.
    • sarav_dude agrees : lol
  14. Hats off to Mr. Joseph donahue
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    @skipt
    Just a disagree doesn't mean much, was this already posted?? I searched for it, couldn't find any other similar posts...
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    Why does divorce cost so much?




    Because it's ****in' worth it.

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