1. Contributing User
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Your obese avian fetishes are now fair play on the internet ... cooo ...
    --Ax
    without exception, there is no rule ...
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    The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones


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    Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
    -- Jamie Zawinski
    Detavil - the devil is in the detail, allegedly, and I use the term advisedly, allegedly ... oh, no, wait I did ...
    BIT COINS ANYONE
  2. Contributing User
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Helen Keller went to town
    Riding on a pony,
    She stuck a feather in her cap
    And called it uummmmmufn!

    Comments on this post

    • Adrastea0413 agrees : HAHAHAHA!
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    “Rational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.”
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
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    Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

    When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her mentally stable.

    When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses".
    "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry"
    Akash Dwivedi
    "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve."
    Feel good..


  4. Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    Some more CHUCK classics!
    --------------------------

    Chuck Norris knows the ending to the Never-ending Story

    Chuck Norris does not run for President, The President runs from Chuck Norris

    When Chuck Norris deletes files from his computer, he doesnt send them to the recycle bin. He sends them to hell

    The only reason pharoah let the people go was because he learned that Chuck Norris was to be the next plague

    Chuck Norris recently wrote an IQ test, and was declared the most intelligent man on earth. However he scored one mark less than perfect because he didnt understand the word 'failure'

    Someone once told Chuck Norris Christmas was more about giving than recieving...Chuck obliged by giving everyone roundhouse kicks to the face

    Chuck Liddell challenged Chuck Norris to a deathmatch to show the world once and for all who was the Alpha Chuck. The match lasted 8 seconds, and consisted of one uncontested roundhouse kick. 43 minutes later and 100 miles away, Liddell's head smashed through the window of his girlfriend's house and landed on her dinner plate with Chuck Norris's phone number carved into his forehead. She called

    When Chuck Norris starts having $ex with other men, it's not because he's g@y. It's because he ran out of women

    Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet

    Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack

    Stacy's Mom thought she had it going on until she met Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick to the grill

    Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

    Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

    Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks

    Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

    Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough

    Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris

    When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders

    The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

    Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky

    Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head

    Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow

    Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts

    -------------EDITED FOR MORE

    · Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
    · Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
    · When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
    · Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
    · Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
    · Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
    · Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
    · Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
    · Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
    · Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
    · Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
    · Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself when he was a child
    · When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
    · Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
    · Chuck Norris does not know that these things are being put onto websites. If he did he would just deleted the internet.
    · Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
    · Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
    · Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
    · There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
    · Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
    · Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
    · Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
    · Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
    · The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
    · In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
    · Chuck Norris can split the atom, with his bare hand. –Not HANDS.
    · Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses magma.
    · Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
    · Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
    On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

    ------EDITED FOR EVEN MORE

    · When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to fetch Chuck Norris.

    · 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

    · There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

    · Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

    · Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

    · TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

    · Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

    · Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

    · In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

    There is no such thing as a le$bian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

    · If Chuck Norris lived in Cape Town , the mountain would still be ok.

    · Chuck Norris once crossed the road. To this day no-one has ever asked "why? "

    · Chuck Norris does not wear a c0ndom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

    · Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

    · Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

    · "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

    · Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

    · Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

    · Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

    · The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

    · When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

    · Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in blood.

    · Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

    Comments on this post

    • B-Con agrees : I like Chuck Norris lines, for some reason.
    Last edited by 1n$ert¢oin; April 25th, 2006 at 02:20 AM. Reason: EDITED FOR EVEN MORE
  5. Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    Ok keep up with me on this one. Here in SA we have "Dutchmen", not men that are dutch but "dutchmen", a completely new language and breed, they are Afrikaans but try communicate in English and it just becomes a mess, and really funny.

    ---Joke---

    Every morning when the English teacher came to the Afrikaans students to give them an English lecture she greeted them as follows; "Good morning class!" and every time only one boy would get up out of the whole class to greet the teacher in return.

    This happened time and time again until she decided to call him up to her desk and ask him loud enough for everyone to hear:

    "Why is it that every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to greet me?"

    He replied to the teacher in English:

    "It are 'cause I are the only person here what's name are Klaas!"
  6. AYBABTU
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

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    Originally Posted by 1n$ert¢oin
    Here in SA we have "Dutchmen", not men that are dutch but "dutchmen"
    Glad you cleared that one up!
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
    Douglas Adams
  7. Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    Spare me with the complaints if some of these jokes have been posted before! If you have read them before, then IGNORE this post!

    --------------------------

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    20 kg's?

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes.

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.


    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
    Who has the biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18.


    What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    He walks around saying "Yo."

    What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.
    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    Why is there no Disneyland in China?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

    -------------------------------------------

    If you are offended by this post, remember, the shoutbox link is in the bottom right somewhere, use it!

    Comments on this post

    • helloakash agrees : nice joker (I mean good joke) ;)
  8. Give us a kiss
    Devshed Intermediate (1500 - 1999 posts)

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    Two monkeys in a bath one turns to the other and says "OooooohhAA oooooohhhaaa eeeehahahah aaaaaaahhhh oooooohhaaha" the other says "Calm down i'l put in some cold water"

    Two cows in the field, one says "Moo"
    the other says "Ya basta, i was gonna say that!
  9. AYBABTU
    Devshed Beginner (1000 - 1499 posts)

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    Probably very old, but I never saw it before and thought it was funny:

    Letters to the landlord:

    1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

    2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

    4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

    5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

    6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

    10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

    11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

    12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

    13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

    14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his c o c k wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

    15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
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  10. Devshed Newbie (0 - 499 posts)

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    1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have nothing to play with.

    2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

    3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

    4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early".

    5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on & a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & a radio.

    8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    10 When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

    11 I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

    12 I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    13 Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    14 My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    15 I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big I'd get

    16 I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

    17 I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.

    18 With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    19 One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

    20 My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

    No Jokes!
  11. Contributing User
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Seriously bad taste joke warning, you have been warned

    What's relative humidity?
    The sweat in the pubic region after coitus with a sibling
    --Ax
    without exception, there is no rule ...
    Handmade Irish Jewellery
    Targeted Advertising Cookie Optout (TACO) extension for Firefox
    The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones


    09 F9 11 02
    9D 74 E3 5B
    D8 41 56 C5
    63 56 88 C0
    Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
    -- Jamie Zawinski
    Detavil - the devil is in the detail, allegedly, and I use the term advisedly, allegedly ... oh, no, wait I did ...
    BIT COINS ANYONE
  12. Hockey face
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    And what's their favourite holiday?
    Thanksgiving.
    'cause they get Pumpin' kin pie!
  13. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
    "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
    "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
    The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
    "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
    "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
    "Thought he was having his picture taken."

    Comments on this post

    • jsKid agrees : LMAO, I spit on myself when I read that...
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    Haha this thread cracks me up
    Here's another..

    Schwarzenegger has a big one,
    Michael J. Fox has a small one,
    Madonna doesn't have one,
    The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
    Clinton uses his all the time,
    Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
    George Burns' was hot,
    Liberace NEVER used his on women,
    Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
    We never saw Lucy use Desi's
    what is it?

































    A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?
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    Banned
    Devshed Demi-God (4500 - 4999 posts)

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    Now I'm peeved: the "What Element is Your Love" type quizs usually only give the four Greek elements as possible answers. Goddamn it, my love has to be something in the uranium decay series --- like nuclear waste, it is toxic and persistent for far too long.

    Comments on this post

    • MBirchmeier agrees : (0) -- I'd imagine that'd be true about your love

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