#76
  1. Keyboard Kowboy
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    The fireman climbs the ladder to the bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette, "Ah", he says, "you are the third pregnant girl I've rescued this month".
    "But, I'm not pregnant!"
    "You're not rescued yet!"



    After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net.
    He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
    The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop.
    As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique
  2. #77
  3. Giggity Giggity!!
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    MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
    MAN: Yes.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
    MAN: He's at home.
    CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

    The next day, the man returns.
    MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
    MAN: Yes.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
    MAN: He's at home!
    CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

    The next day the man returns.
    CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
    MAN: Put your hand inside.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
    MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

    ================================================

    This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught on fire.

    When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

    ================================================

    A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.

    "You, sir, are drunk!"

    "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"




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  4. #78
  5. I have a red lunch bag
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    Originally Posted by compmodder26
    A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.

    "You, sir, are drunk!"

    "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
    Didn't someone real say this? I think it was a UK Prime Minister.
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  6. #79
  7. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Originally Posted by cybersaga
    Didn't someone real say this? I think it was a UK Prime Minister.
    Winston Churchill said it.
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    “Rational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.”
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
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  8. #80
  9. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
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    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

    "Hey, coola down lady," said one of the men. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi."
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    “Rational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.”
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  10. #81
  11. Giggity Giggity!!
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    One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

    This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

    He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

    Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

    Comments on this post

    • WisconsinGuy agrees : Bravo
    • funkyfoof agrees : nice one
    • griefers agrees




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  12. #82
  13. Contributing User
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    REMEMBER WHEN!

    A PC was something on TV,
    From a science fiction show of note!
    WINDOWS was something you hated to clean,
    And RAM was the cousin of a goat!!

    MEG was the name of my girlfriend,
    And GIG was a job for the night!
    Now they all mean different things,
    And that really MEGABYTES!!

    An APPLICATION was for employment,
    A PROGRAM was a TV show,
    A CURSOR used profanity,
    And a KEYBOARD was a piano!!

    MEMORY was something you lost with age,
    And CD was a bank account!
    And if you had a 3 ˝” FLOPPY,
    You hoped nobody ever found out!!

    COMPRESS was what you did to garbage,
    Not something you did to a file!
    And if you UNZIPPED anything in public,
    You would be in jail for a while!!

    LOG ON meant adding wood to the fire,
    HARD DRIVE, a long trip on the road!
    A MOUSE PAD was where mice would hang out,
    And a BACKUP happened to your commode!!

    CUT, you did with a pocketknife,
    PASTE, you did with glue!
    The WEB was just a spider’s home,
    And a VIRUS meant the “flu”!!

    I guess I’ll stick to my pen and paper,
    And the memory in my head;
    I’ve heard no-ones been killed in a COMPUTER CRASH,
    But when it happens,
    They’ll wish they were dead!!

    Comments on this post

    • compmodder26 agrees : Brilliant!!!
    • Profftnt agrees : awesome and Indian even better we rule!!
    • JordanT agrees
  14. #83
  15. Giggity Giggity!!
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    Here's and oldie but still one of my favorites:

    Yo Mama's armpits are so hairy, she looks like she got Don King in a headlock!




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  16. #84
  17. Keyboard Kowboy
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    Yo mama so ugly she make onions cry.

    Yo mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.

    Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and when she stood up, there were two dimes and a nickel.

    Yo mama so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits AROUND the house.
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique
  18. #85
  19. Giggity Giggity!!
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    A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

    His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

    So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

    "You do? Tell me."

    "OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

    Comments on this post

    • gimp agrees : Indeed.




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  20. #86
  21. Guilt is a smirk away
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    Originally Posted by JohnnyC
    Yo mama so ugly she make onions cry.

    Yo mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.

    Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and when she stood up, there were two dimes and a nickel.[/I]
    Dude...you made tears come out my eyes...

    CRCIGSTL...
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  22. #87
  23. They call me geek here........
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    Originally Posted by funkyfoof
    Dude...you made tears come out my eyes...

    CRCIGSTL...
    were did they come from before?????????????????????????????????????
    Did this help? If so, please add to my Reputation by clicking the at the top of this post

    My Folding: -




  24. #88
  25. Giggity Giggity!!
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    Here's a joke that I found that should amuse Sep:

    Why did the gypsy walk funny?

    Because he had crystal balls.




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  26. #89
  27. Keyboard Kowboy
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    Originally Posted by funkyfoof
    Dude...you made tears come out my eyes...
    In a good way. . . right?


    CRCIGSTL
    Maybe a dumb question, but. . . what?
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique
  28. #90
  29. Keyboard Kowboy
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    And another. . .


    Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!

    So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face.

    So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.

    Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

    She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch the 'spression on yo face.

    Comments on this post

    • Raffles agrees : ROFL
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique

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