#91
  1. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    Two Aerials meet, fall in love and decide to get married.

    The wedding was terrible but the reception was brilliant !!!

    Comments on this post

    • busmaster agrees
    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
  2. #92
  3. Guilt is a smirk away
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

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    Originally Posted by JohnnyC
    Originally Posted by Funkyfoof
    CRCIGSTL
    Maybe a dumb question, but. . . what?
    CRCIGSTL - Can't Rep 'Cause I Gotta Spread The Love
    Last edited by funkyfoof; July 9th, 2005 at 09:44 AM.
    Want tech-related products and looking for a deal? Visit
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    My first plasma experience
    www.funkyplasma.com
  4. #93
  5. Feelin' Groovy
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

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    An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a bundle of wire.

    "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

    "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

    "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

    "Sure I can!" he yells and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and, sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

    Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

    "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"

    "Well this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

    "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

    "Sure I can!" The kid yells, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks wrapped up tightly in his tape.

    The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying some flowers.

    "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with them flowers?"

    "Well this here ain't just any old flowers, this here's p_ssy willow."

    "Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
    Last edited by Yawmark; July 9th, 2005 at 02:56 PM.
    Yawmark
    class Sig{public static void main(String...args){\u0066or(int
    \u0020$:"v\"ʲ\"vΤ\"".to\u0043h\u0061rArray()
    )System./*goto/*$/%\u0126//^\u002A\u002Fout.print((char)(($>>
    +(~'"'&'#'))+('<'>>('\\'/'.')/\u002Array.const(~1)\*\u002F)));}}
  6. #94
  7. Contributing User
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    Only one problem...duck tape != duct tape
  8. #95
  9. Keyboard Kowboy
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    Originally Posted by Markisdee
    Only one problem...duck tape != duct tape
    Sure it does. . .
    Duck tape.

    Comments on this post

    • mike65535 agrees : Yep - little known fact!
    • Newbish agrees : ka pwnd! lol, i never knew that...
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique
  10. #96
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    Sorry I couldnt resist....
    <joke>
    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
    </joke>
    Heh heh.

    Aphonik

    Comments on this post

    • jabba_29 agrees : oldie, but a goodie
  12. #97
  13. His name is Robert Paulson!
    Devshed Frequenter (2500 - 2999 posts)

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    Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. Soon, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

    "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

    "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St.
    Peter, and you are in heaven."

    "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die!
    I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

    "It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

    Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

    "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

    And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

    "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said "How do you like being a hen?"

    "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my *** is about to explode."

    "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

    "How do I do that?" Tom asked.

    "Cluck twice, and then you push as hard as you can."

    Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

    "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

    "Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're st*ffing all over the bed!"

    Comments on this post

    • ryjyd agrees : That's good sh*t
    • gimp agrees : NICE!
    • busmaster agrees : what the crap :)
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  14. #98
  15. um, Hello?
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    A traveling salesman walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. After a while, he notices a horse sitting at the other end of the bar, with a big pile of money in front of him. He asks the bartender, "What's going on?" The bartender tells him that the horse has been in here for two days, crying, and for $10, anyone who can get him to stop will take the pot.

    The salesman thinks about it for a moment and says, "Do you mind if I try? I'll have to whisper something to him though..."

    The bartender says, "Sure, why not?"

    Walking up to the horse, the salesman throws $10 on the pile, and whispers something in his ear. Suddenly a big smile comes across the horse's face and he starts laughing incessantly. The bartender and other patrons can't believe it. The salesman finishes off his beer, scoops up the money and says goodbye.

    A week or so later, the salesman decides to stop back in the same bar. As he sits down to order, he notices the same horse at the far end of the bar with yet another pile of money in front of him. After taking his order, the bartender recognized the salesman and says, "Hey buddy, weren't you the one who got this horse to stop crying last week?" "Yup", says the salesman. As the bartender served the beer he said, "Well, that dang horse has been laughing nonstop since you left here, and it's driving us nuts. It's worse than the crying. Do you think you could get him to stop?"

    "Well", said the salesman, sipping his beer, "I guess I could try. I would have to take him outside for a moment, OK?"

    "Sure, sure", said the bartender, "anything to get him to stop laughing."

    The salesman finishes off his beer, and walks up to the horse, throwing his $10 on the pile. He puts his arm around the horse, whispers into his ear, and they both head outside. A few minutes later they return, this time with the horse crying. The bartender says, "My friend, you did it again. The money's yours, fair and square, but would you mind telling me how you did it?"

    The salesman says, "Well, the first time I was here, I told him my d!@# was bigger than his...this time I showed it to him."

    Comments on this post

    • ryjyd agrees : I have a differnt version, but I love that joke... know why? ;)
    "America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to "the common good," but by the productive genius
    of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not
    starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages and
    cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance --
    and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way."
    --Ayn Rand
  16. #99
  17. Automagically Delicious
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    Originally Posted by JohnnyC
    A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

    The owner replies, "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story."

    The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, thank you. You can keep the story."

    As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers, and have begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting to her, so she begins walking a bit faster. Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot tward the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe millions, and they are all squealing and coming toward her faster and faster. Now terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

    The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll bet you came back for the story, haven't you?"

    "No," says the woman, "I came back to see if you have any bronze Republicans."
    page 1
    page 2

    great webcomic for any fans of the old Megaman games (or anyone who likes comedy)
  18. long time no see :)
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    A girl phoned me the other day and said: "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
    Last edited by Kokoro; July 11th, 2005 at 11:55 PM.
    AKA Marty Jones (todayeffect - writerlance.com)
  19. Keyboard Kowboy
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    How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?


    That's a hardware problem.



    How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

    Wanna go ride bikes?
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique
  20. His name is Robert Paulson!
    Devshed Frequenter (2500 - 2999 posts)

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    ^^I love the ADD one with going and... hey... icecream!
    Environmental LIMS
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  21. Keyboard Kowboy
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    One my friend Charlie told me:

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    **** you!
    "Tryin to minimize the issue, but I'm keeping it large,
    I love the place that I live, but I hate the people in charge!"
    -- Immortal Technique
  22. Give us a kiss
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    A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

    They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

    When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

    "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

    He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York,Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

    "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

    "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

    No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

    He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

    The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

    "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

    "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

    Comments on this post

    • ryjyd agrees : Now that's funny... I need to try that out
    • busmaster agrees : lol
    • Aragon agrees : tit for tat


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    Girl is on top of boy making out>
    Girl: "Do you have AIDS?"
    Boy:"No"
    Girl:"Thank God I dont want to get it again."

    Comments on this post

    • oneMSBi agrees : hehe.. yeah i heard this before as a dumb blonde joke.. AIDs isnt a joke.. but this one is funny.

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