I'm using this post as a form of ventilation, motivation, and possible understanding. Feel free to move it to the relevant section if it's in the wrong one.
Maybe someone might even gain something from this post, I don't know. Maybe even offer suggestions to me.
But anyway, I'm going to begin.
I'm 18 years old, nearly 19. My motivation is, if it could be calculated numerically, in the negatives and beyond.
I haven't exactly achieved much in my life, mostly sitting on my arse, browsing the internet. Wishing for a miracle to happen. I've always been a creative person and never had an outlet, and have been envious of those children and people I've known growing up because their parents gave them a hobby to do at a young age, and now they are 'masters' or their chosen craft and/or art. Or even both.
I don't know what I want to do with myself, however I am taking an ICT course at college. Sadly, as you all know public education is at an all time low. I cannot afford private programming lessons, due to financial circumstances or anything private for that matter.
I got kicked out of my house 3 days before my 18th birthday, and have been living with a relative ever since. Life was really bad. I managed to convince my relative to get internet.
Life is looking bleak but everything leading up until now has just made me a mentally weaker human being.
No goals. No motives. Nothing. I feel broken and my goals seem more unobtainable each day.
I can pick up mostly anything relatively easily. I am proud that I am a confident person in my opinions and dreams. I love motivating other people. To see other people strive is a fantastic feeling, but also a curse.
Envy kicks in, then jealousy, then sadness. It is a vicious cycle for me.
I am good at writing, but see no point as their are billions of successful authors. I would like to program, but then you see Notch of Mojang, or the gang at Elysian Shadows, and you feel pitiful. Less of a being.
I could run for miles, to keep fit. But I'm going to die anyway, no matter how hard I try to preserve my body.
I feel pessimistic at times, but I know if somehow, somewhere, I got a boost of motivation, I could be one of the most successful beings on this planet.
Keyword being 'could'.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I would like help though, but I don't even know what kind of help. I do not feel depressed, I just feel, well, 'meh' on a constant basis. You can take what you want from this rant, for better or for worse, I just thought it was relevant to programming as I would like to start, it's just so overwhelming that I give up, because there's no spoon feeding, no light bulb, no light at the end of the tunnel for me and was wondering for suggestions.
Thank you for reading,