Page 1 of 240 1231151101 ... Last
  • Jump to page:
    #1
  1. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Internet
    Posts
    7,652
    Rep Power
    6084

    Got a joke? Post it!


    A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is amazing." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

    Comments on this post

    • cody_e agrees : :)
    • ryjyd agrees
    • Markisdee disagrees : bush isn't dumb...don't assume from things you hear.
    • JordanT disagrees : Bush is great, to bad media has to put a bad rep on him
    • jmeeter agrees : rofl
    • jsKid disagrees
    • Adrastea0413 disagrees : echo Markisdee->comments;
    • haid agrees : anti bush all the way
    • crownjewel82 agrees : I dont care about bush, the joke is funny
    • ChiefWigs1982 disagrees : I don't care about Bush either; but the joke isn't funny.
    • 0000 agrees
    • amfr agrees : Down with bush!
    • Decrius agrees : Yes! :p, Bush sucks! Down with him! :) Good joke :D
    • csshacker disagrees : I thought the robot was going to ask what was happening to his I.Q. after several times coming into the bar. Joke is not funny.
    • Maven05 disagrees
    • bluedragon agrees : No so much the Joke...but good thread, been running ages now!
    • adorablepuppy agrees
    • samser_m agrees : really cool
    • prcAdap agrees : @Markisdee - this 'joke' is not about how stupid Bush id - it's about how stupid the supporting electoral population in the USA is.
    • addylad agrees : lol
    • Brokenhope agrees : Haha I have not heard that one before.
    • unmotiviert agrees : nice joke :D
    • easier agrees : It's really a funny joke
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  2. #2
  3. long time no see :)
    Devshed Novice (500 - 999 posts)

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    733
    Rep Power
    29
    ah, it probably wouldn't be smart to turn this into a political joke thread man.

    So, a pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
    The bartender said: "What's up with the steering wheel man?",
    the pirate replied:
    "argh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

    Comments on this post

    • bcyde agrees : Har! Thar be a good pirate joke...
    • jsKid agrees : lol
    • JordanT agrees : lol
    • Adrastea0413 agrees : I heard that a few months ago and nearly p*ssed myself laughing. Love that joke...
    • RadioactiveFrog agrees : lol
    Last edited by Kokoro; May 28th, 2005 at 08:36 PM.
    üüAKA Marty Jones (todayeffect - writerlance.com)
  4. #3
  5. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Internet
    Posts
    7,652
    Rep Power
    6084
    "This is the cheese that the rat that the cat that the dog chased bit ate."
    I think that makes sense, if you think about it.




    A 60 year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"




    A drunk bumps into a priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
    "No, I'm Jesus Christ!"
    The drunk insists, "I'll prove I'm him", follow me.
    So the priest follows him into a bar.
    The bartender shouts, "Jesus Christ, you're back again!"





    Three men were hiking in the jungles of Africa. Before they sensed any danger, a tribe of cannibals captured them. The cannibals said they were going to kill them, eat their flesh, and use their skin to make canoes. However, the cannibals said they had a little mercy, and offered them the chance to choose any weapon of choice and kill themselves.

    The first man asked for a gun. The cannibals gave it to him and he shot himself in the head.

    The second man asked for a knife. The cannibals gave it to him and he stabbed himself in the heart.

    The third man asked for a fork. The cannibals were confused, and asked him why. He responded by telling them that they promised to give him any weapon. The cannibals then gave him the weapon. Afterwards, the third man started poking the fork into his skin and making holes all over his body. He shouted in cynical humor:

    "Damn your canoes!"





    An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
    4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
    6. This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.





    Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
    She was 3 foot 4, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman." Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
    This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 foot tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Carl, you have sinned. You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman." And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
    Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

    Comments on this post

    • busmaster agrees
    Last edited by gimp; May 29th, 2005 at 09:36 AM.
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  6. #4
  7. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Internet
    Posts
    7,652
    Rep Power
    6084
    The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
    best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
    He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
    question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
    investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
    killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
    The rabbit had it coming.

    Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
    raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

    Comments on this post

    • SimonGreenhill agrees
    • funkyfoof agrees : that's funny
    • Gerbill agrees : rofl
    • sourinsen agrees
    • RadioactiveFrog agrees : Like it !!! :D
    • Verscurexant agrees : Ha!
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  8. #5
  9. Crypto-Con
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Frisco, Texas
    Posts
    6,704
    Rep Power
    1236
    Originally Posted by oneMSBi
    spam ..!! I call spam !! 6 freaking posts from the same user one after the other !!! bad troll shoooo..
    http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm

    A nice, wide selection of job-related jokes


    or maybe I should just post them all individually
    - "Cryptographically secure linear feedback shift register based stream ciphers" -- a phrase that'll get any party started.
    - Why know the ordinary when you can understand the extraordinary?
    - Sponsor my caffeine addiction! (36.70 USD received so far -- Latest donor: Mark Foxvog.
    )
  10. #6
  11. I <3 ASCII
    Devshed Regular (2000 - 2499 posts)

    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Posts
    2,400
    Rep Power
    1233
    Did you hear the one about the canibal who dumped his girlfriend.

    Think about it....

    Comments on this post

    • minoria agrees : Hehehe, i get it...
    • codergeek42 agrees : eeeewwwwwwwwwwww :p
    • D@rk_Zer0 agrees : ahahahaha... that's funny
    • :Merrick: agrees : wow just got it lol
  12. #7
  13. <?PHP user_title("gimp"); ?>
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Internet
    Posts
    7,652
    Rep Power
    6084
    Originally Posted by MBirchmeier
    Did you hear the one about the canibal who dumped his girlfriend.

    Think about it....
    Heard about it, but still pretty funny.
    Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
    ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
    Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
    -Partial Credit: Sun

    If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
    Ches Koblents
  14. #8
  15. No Profile Picture
    Brony & F/OSS Advocate
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Anaheim, CA (USA)
    Posts
    6,653
    Rep Power
    2476
    Many years in the future, Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates were brought to heaven and allowed to ask God one question each, to which he promised He would answer truthfully and completely.

    Linus walks up to God and asks Him, "When will Linux be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a few minutes He replies, "Linux will be completely secure and bug-free in about 10 years." When he hears this, Linus becomes disheartened. "I may not live to see that day," he says.

    Steve runs up to God and asks Him, "When will Mac OS be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a few minutes He replies, "Mac OS will be completely secure and bug-free in about 20 years." When he hears this, Steve becomes very depressed. "I may not live to see that day," he says.

    Bill walks up to God and asks Him, "When will Windows be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a long time God still is pondering, and Gates asks him again, "When will Windows be completely secure and bug-free?" Time passes and soon God replies, "I may not live to see that day."

    Comments on this post

    • busmaster agrees : tops them all
    • haid agrees : lol, very true
    • E D D ! 3 agrees
    • Matt1776 agrees : dude you made soda come through my nose
    • Gnome101 agrees : I like it
    • carrie_a_tune agrees : heheheee
    ~~ Peter ~~ :: ( Who am I? ) :: ( Peter's Musings: Uploading myself, bit by bit... ) :: ( Electronic Frontier Foundation ) :: ( I'm a GNU/Linux addict and Free Software Advocate. ) :: ( How to Ask Questions the Smart Way ) :: ( The Fedora Project, sponsored by Red Hat ) :: ( GNOME: The Free Software Desktop Project ) :: ( GnuPG Public Key ) :: ( About me on the WIki )
  16. #9
  17. Contributing User
    Devshed Regular (2000 - 2499 posts)

    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    2,346
    Rep Power
    578
    ^^funny.
  18. #10
  19. Providing fuel for space ships
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Scotland
    Posts
    14,382
    Rep Power
    3848
    Jokes on a Tuesday are a rareity, but this raised a chuckle this morning.........

    A friend, whose brother is a police officer, sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look
    at the link. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides literally now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real...


    Most don't but if you like click on the link below, you have been warned.. Link (Safe for Work)


    Comments on this post

    • csshacker agrees : Good one! Nice for April 1, don't ya think?
    • Newbish agrees : holy crap... i thought i was seriously gonna see a peson... but when my moms cypersitter didn;t block anything i knew something was suspicious... HAHAHAHAH! I JUST FREAKING HAD A HERNIA!!! OUCH!
    • swattkidd agrees : Lmao!!!!!!!!!! im not sick though, i read the comments on this before i looked :D
    • prcAdap agrees : A proper smile from me - good job :)
    The No Ma'am commandments:

    1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
    2.) It is wrong to be French
    3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
    4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
    5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
    6.) Everyone should car pool but me
    7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
    8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
    9.) Mud wrestling is a sport
  20. #11
  21. CAUTION: Loderator Moose
    Devshed Loyal (3000 - 3499 posts)

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    some starry place (india)
    Posts
    3,431
    Rep Power
    162
    that doesnt sound very funny ^^ ?


    EDIT: lol lol.... i see i seee.....
    Last edited by oneMSBi; May 31st, 2005 at 03:35 AM.
    Nigel
    ..Seeking code free nirvana...
    Nigel Fernandes Blog
    Never argue with fools. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.


    Manchester United Forever
  22. #12
  23. (retired)
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    The Laboratory
    Posts
    10,101
    Rep Power
    0
    View the picture. It's kinda funny (and won't put you in therapy).

    --Simon

    Comments on this post

    • master b agrees : thanks, it was indeed funny :)
  24. #13
  25. Crypto-Con
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Frisco, Texas
    Posts
    6,704
    Rep Power
    1236
    rofl, funny pic
    - "Cryptographically secure linear feedback shift register based stream ciphers" -- a phrase that'll get any party started.
    - Why know the ordinary when you can understand the extraordinary?
    - Sponsor my caffeine addiction! (36.70 USD received so far -- Latest donor: Mark Foxvog.
    )
  26. #14
  27. kill 9, $$;
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Shanghai, An tSÝn
    Posts
    6,897
    Rep Power
    3886
    A merchant ship captain is on the bridge of his ship one day when a shout comes from his lookout up the mast: "Pirate ship on the horizon captain". Immediately, the captain calls to the ship's boy: "Quickly, get me my red shirt". As the ship's boy disappears below deck, the steersman enquires why the captain has asked for his red shirt. The captain responds: "Because if I am wounded in battle against those pirates, the shirt will not become bloodstained and my crew won't be disheartened to see their captain injured". Just as the ship's boy returns from below, there's another call from the lookout: "Captain, there's a whole *fleet* of pirate ships come over the horizon". At that, the captain turns once more to the ship's boy and says: "Get me my brown pants".

    Comments on this post

    • csshacker disagrees : heard it before. It was on the John Boy and Billy Playhouse.
  28. #15
  29. Cunning Linguist
    Devshed Supreme Being (6500+ posts)

    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    I used to live at home, now I stay at the house
    Posts
    10,180
    Rep Power
    2039
    A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

    The woman said, "That's okay."

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.

    "The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

    So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

    The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

    So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
    "I'd like a mild heart attack."

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


    *****Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.*****

    Male readers: Please scroll down.















    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
    Moral of the story: Women are really not so bright but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

    PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that you women never listen!

    Comments on this post

    • B-Con agrees : haha
    • gimp agrees
    • compmodder26 agrees : Brilliant!!!
    • funkyfoof agrees : gotta love it
    • JordanT agrees : LMAO
    • busmaster agrees
    • pumpkin head agrees : hahahah thats great
    • xbot agrees : First off, show me a women out golfing and I'll show you an unmarried woman. Secondly, NICE ONE!
    • RadioactiveFrog agrees : EXCELLENT !!!!! :D
    • carrie_a_tune agrees : ROTF! Oh dang I recently repped you, no more points... and huh? ;)
    • griefers agrees
    • Brokenhope agrees : Nice I love the double ending =D
    • f_nietzsche agrees
    • English Breakfast Tea agrees : The Best
Page 1 of 240 1231151101 ... Last
  • Jump to page:

IMN logo majestic logo threadwatch logo seochat tools logo